Cup of tea?

Coffee maybe?
Something fizzy?


If you can say those words to someone in the same house as you, or they can say them to you, you are lucky. Very much so.

It doesn’t matter how loud music is played, how loud the TV can be.
The lack of a real voice there in the room makes difference.

And I haven’t mentioned conversation.



Two weeks with a weighted blanket

Few weeks ago my eldest and I got to discussing weighted blankets and the good reviews they get. Had a look on Amazon at prices and I’m not shelling out £50+ for a single blanket. A few days later she sees two in a store for £25 and grabbed them.

The blanket is enough for one person, weighs about 7kg. I’ve used it every night since.

Has the quality of my sleep improved?
I cannot remember the last time I woke up feeling good. I still get the freaky dreams about loss and being lost.

Does it help me get to sleep quicker?
That remains as variable as ever.

Am I sleeping more?

So overall I am finding no benefit to using it. In fact there’s a drawback. If the blanket slides off you, it takes much more effort to drag it back over than a duvet or sheets would.

Keep using it? Unsure. I suspect it’ll end up being a bed for the dogs / cats.

My kitchen window

IMG 0759

Some years ago we had to have a ramp fitted at the back so that Jacqui and wheelchair / stretcher could get in and out. After her death that was broken up. Turned out that one piece of that wood fitted the kitchen window perfectly – it sits on the top of the tiles, no other adjustments needed. Today I decided to sand it back from the ‘very rustic’ look to something still rustic but less … brown. I like.

Added two screws so I have my steel measuring spoon sets handy.

There are 3 pestle/mortars, but I only use two.

Tiny cauldrons. I think I have a dozen around the house, just ordered more Stamford Incense Cones as I’m running out.

Spider plants. They insist on growing.

Also cleared the gutter at the back – and found the two tennis balls responsible for the blockages.

I have a house todo list that is long. Very long.

But covid … there’s no rush is there?

Writing things down 3

I will have two txt files.

The first will deal with practicalities, notes about stuff. There will be no need for encryption because there will be nothing super secret in there. So I can send it plain text (or more likely upload to a hidden directory on a domain of mine and ask the girls to download it. This gives us the chance to read it, check for anything they think I’m missing and so improve it.

The second will have financial details.
That has to be encrypted.
I could send the girls the file and half the password each.
I could send the girls the file and give the password to someone else.
Still pondering that one.

The second one is pretty much done. Get into 1Password and off you go.
The first less done, and that’s why sharing it in the family is a good thing.

In other news, I feel fine 🙂

Writing things down 2

I wrote an email and sent the same to both my girls.
My youngest replied thanking me for my ‘morbid email’
– I replied that she has spelt the word practical wrongly 🙂

My email, and the subsequent actions really are practical.
After Jacqui died the hardest decisions were “What would Jacqui want me/us to do?”

Writing this down takes pressure off.
Writing it down means those left have a plan to follow.
Writing it down forces me to think, to consider, to plan.

Jacqui’s death taught me a lot. I’ve never been the person left behind. Beiung the type of person who thinks “That was then, this is now” it makes me think hard about when my girls lose me.

Again, I’ve no intention of doing anything and if paternal longevity is anything to go by I’ve a few decades left.

The point is that so much of life is non-nuclear family and so much of (my) life involes passwords, two factors, a PIN for a phone and computers.

While just dealing with the Will requires no digital access , someone can have all my music, ripped stuff, Steam / Epic / Origjn etc accounts. Someone needs to manage my Smugmug etc

So what I am trying to do is not morbid.
It’s trying to be practical about an inevitability.

(Fot what it’s worth.. I don’t feel well but nor do I feel bad. Does going to sleep later worry me? More than it did last week, yes).

What will be will be.

Writing things down

In the very early hours of this morning I woke in a lot of pain, called the NHS 111 and they blue-lighted an ambulance to me. Over 2.5 hours later they left after the situation (no, not self-inflicted) was resolved to our mutual satisfaction. It was pretty scary at one point.

I’ve pondered before about ‘what happens when I go’ given I now live alone so today started – I do have a Will – a txt file. It covers what I want for my funeral, who to tell, money stuff, passwords to get into machines and then to get more passwords.
It’s not done as I’m sure I’ll think of new stuff in the next few days.

But then what to do with a txt file?

I can’t send it unencrypted.
I can’t store it unencrypted.
But it could end up having a dcent amount of info that should not be just slung around.

My two girls have POA if needed, and are joint executors.
But I don’t have control over how they might store this info, regardless of what I say (though they are in no way daft)
So my initial though is to encrypt the resultant file with a 32 char password.
Test it does extract correctly on a second machine, then send half the password to each.
That too has it’s flaws though.

Pondering will continue…

27 September 1986

Today is our 34th Wedding Anniversary

Jacqui and I met in 1983.
We got engaged in 1984 (she asked me on Valentine’s Day)

There’s a line in ‘Three Man & a Baby’ or ‘Three Men & a Little Lady’ (both of which J loved) which is “Fish or cut bait”. Basically “do it or stop it”. In 1986 that was where we were and I said it.
Get wed or stop pretending.

We booked the church for the first available date. It was about five weeks away.

27 September 1986

Some people said J was pregnant – nope
Some gave our relationship six months – we had a longer relationship than all who said that did in their own lives.

The wedding cost around £1000 which we paid for ourselves (about 2.5 months joint wages).
That covered buying J’s dress, the cake, hiring my suit, the reception, fees for whatever.
The car from church to reception was a favour from a friend of J’s mum.
The photographer was a friend of mine who I gave the camera to on the day (he was not expecting it).
There was no – and never was later – a honeymoon.
On the Friday we were living together in the flat and by Sunday night we were married living in the same situation.


34 years ago

And here I am but Jacqui is not.
This is our second wedding anniversary since she died.
We never made a big deal of the date, but we always said “Love you”
We even said it without words.
We meant that every year.
We said that every day to each other, especially in the last few years.
I wish she was around so I could say it again to her.

I can’t yet watch the videos of her and the girls when they were little – because I was filming. And until I do I’ll not remember her voice.

I was with Jacqui from when I was 18 to 54. My adult life. She helped me more than I can describe, and more than I want to reveal, to get through this world. Losing her isn’t just losing her, it is so much more than that but all wrapped up in it being her.

I was going to link many music videos that meant much to me, to J, to me about her and from her about me. Too revealing even if you will not realise.

When Jacqui died, part of me did too.

The tagline on this blog:
“I’d tell you but I don’t trust you.”
What it should read is
“I’d tell you but you don’t love me.”

Jacqui loved me.

I loved her.

A box of tech

While searching for my – still lost – bluetooth earbuds I realised I have a few gadgets and things which I will never use again but I’m not about to throw them out. So I found a box, plonked them all in and next up is finding any charging cables.

What’s in the box?

Top row:
Portable speaker that uses a cable.
WP branded earphones
Creative Zen Vision 30GB Music / Video player
Creative Zen Micro
Broadlink Remote device

USB video camera
Blackberry Bold
Sandisk Clip+ MP3 player
WP branded Flip video camera
iPod Classic 160GB
GPS device

Psion 5
Flip video camera
Nikon Coolshot camera
Minidisc player

Two more cameras
iPod Touch
iPod Touch
Garmin forerunner watch
Five different Fitbits

The WP branded Flip was I think given out to everyone at the first Automattic Team meetup – which was Support – in London 2009.
The iPod Classic gets very hot very fast when plugged in so that needs a new battery at least.
The Psion 5 works perfectly as do many of the items.
I just can’t bring myself to throw them away.

I need to measure my nipples

I had two days this week where I did not speak to another human. I walked the dogs 4x every day but passed no-one. I – I was going to say talk to the dogs / cats but that implies I’m either maaaaad (which I could be given paperwork from a Dr but has not been tested legally and ended in a positive and to be honest I’d never use as a defence) or that I’m Doolittle. Neither apply.
I speak to them, reassure them, fuss them.
But yeah, no humans.

IMG 0728
The pub I used to take the dogs too is open. Table seating, dogs can’t wander round, can’t stand at the bar chatting. That’s not a pub. So we don’t go.

I have my ear plugs for the wedding of my youngest ready – assuming that idiot Prime Minister and his sixth former moron Hancock don’t cancel weddings. If you are in a Slack channel with me, just ask and I’ll post the image.

Diablo 3, Necro, Solo 105, Paragon 1600 something.

I have titanium rainbow bcr’s in both nipples. When I go out, one of them shrinks/tightens and it stings. I assume that’s because of the ring curvature. So as winter approaches it’s time to measure the nips and buy straight barbells.

The bad dreams continue.