Sourdough died

Yesterday it was bubbling, today it is flatter than Eric. Still, I have yeast, flour, water so will try some proper bread at some point.

Newts

Played some SNES Mario Kart. Although Jacqui and I played lots of the N64 version we both agreed that the Battle mode on the SNES was way better. Sometimes 3D is not right. The music to the GP took me a long way back in time.

We have a large plastic Cola bottle which we’d drop our change into. Been here for years and with Contactless, it’s now pointless. Spent an age yesterday counting and bagging. £50 in 5p, another £50 in 2p and 1p. Whenever it becomes actually safe to visit the city I’ll take a few bags in each time.

Made a decision yesterday about changes – one main change being primary – that I need to make to me. I hope I can carry it through. Not having any focus on anything in the future and not having someone close to me (emotionally not distance) will make this hard to do. Very hard. If I manage it, great. If not, there will be a next time.

Flattened

Day started okay enough. Neither good or bad. Did the book thing, did the Day 3 thing for my sourdough attempt, housework. All normal stuff. Took the dogs for a wander and while out my mind recalled a single line from an online chat I had with a friend yesterday. One line. Six words it was. My mood flattened instantly.

Flat

It’s not like the thought it caused is new. It is not. It’s not like I didn’t know it. I did. But that thought, that knowledge was sat at the back of the class quietly doing it’s own thing, being ignored by the rest of my mind. And suddenly it is pushed front, centre, on a pedestal and lit with a spotlight. The rest of my mind sees this and slumps down, knowing that the truth is there in front of them and while it can be ignored it will always be a truth, an unchanging fact, the way life will be.

If it wasn’t for the dogs I’d be in bed willing for the day to be over.
Not that tomorrow changes anything but at least the spotlight should be off.

Chimnea time

Chimnea

My youngest reminded me of what it was actually called. Like pretty much everything in the house that doesn’t have a control pad it was bought by Jacqui.

It stopped raining, so I have a speaker inside playing Bambooyah, a can of Stella Artois and a very relaxed cat sitting next to me while I watch flames.

Productive day

Notmycat

I just teared up watching the end of Croc Dundee. That’s how weird it is.

Anyway. Dismantled a chest of drawers in the roofspace and got all the wood outside. Dismantled a wood framed double bed in the roofspace and got all that outside too.
Aren’t cordless screwdrivers great?

Found the boxes with the original game packaging for my Atari Lynx / SNES / Gameboy / Gameboy Color games.
Found a spare Dreamcast
Found 3 old monitors (pre-hdmi) which may/may not work
Found 2 TV’s one of which I’m sure does work
Found a 20m extension cable I didn’t know I had

Repositioned the cam which monitors the front door.

Ordered a Builder’s Skip so that the wood, the junk from the roofspace, spare room and garage can finally be cleared. It’s going to be the harshest nuking of items ever.

Ennui increases

Church

Pic unrelated

Did 100 (50 each arm) bicep curls at 6.25kg yesterday so have stepped up to 7.25kg. I’m not neglecting triceps / forearm.

Realised that all my back problems have gone and I’m bendier. A long LONG way off yoga bendy, but much better than it was. The cause has to have been sitting at a desk for so long each day.

Tried some kombucha. I was told it would be an acquired taste and that is absolutely correct.

Completed watching the Bodyguard. Very good but the ending was anticlimactic. I have no idea how else it could have been done though. I have Cardiac Arrest on DVD so that’s up soon. Then I’ll watch Bodies.

Want to watch Our Friends In The North again.

I have thoughts about BLM, history, statues, trans but as a white guy it’s pointless even typing.

PG

A few days, maybe 3, after Jacqui died there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find two of Jacqui’s carers. Their schedules hadn’t been filled to replace J’s slot so they called round to see how I was, give me a hug. I remember that Jacqui going still had not really sunk in, that reactions were good, very well-intentioned but I was still not with it.

Jacqui had I think 3, maybe 4, different carer companies over the 5 years. The last company sent by far the very best carers. They were, on every possible level, amazing. I used to interview for new staff when I was nursing and I would have employed them all with no hesitation.

Jacqui’s favourite was PG. Always bright, happy, bouncy, made Jacqui smile, was caring in every way. Faultless. She was in her mid-twenties I would guess.

My eldest told me today that PG had lost her youngest daughter. I don’t do any form of social media but PG has posted to Insta.

I haven’t seen PG since Dec 2018 but I feel so so sorry for her. Losing a child is something I cannot comprehend.

Life is shit

Grief

The daily torture that Jennifer goes through is horrendous. I went down to her on the day it happened and again soon after and her, I was going to say crying but that doesn’t even come close to the amount and depth and pain. I do not know of any word that can adequately express the raw emotion she very rightfully let out.

I wish I could let my emotion out like she does, but I don’t know how.

It’s not that I’m a “bloke and we don’t do that”. It’s not anything about being male. It’s because I don’t know how.

I’m on the point of crying constantly. If I were to wear contacts I’d not be worried about them drying at all. I was binge watching The Bodyguard on Netflix (not seen it before) and in episode 4(?) he said to his kids he needed a hug. I paused and changed channels. I was very slowly rocking from side to side while sitting on a floor cushion the whole time while watching.

I just don’t know how to let go.

And I’m scared of letting go.
Not just Jacqui but stuff that happened to me a long long time ago.
If I let go, how do I stop it? How do I deal with it? What happens next?

I would really like to have someone I trust to be here, to talk to, to wait for the right moment and then say the right words so I could pour the emotion out.

Not about to happen though is it? Even without Covid.

Endure, wait til end of day, sleep.

Repeat

I had no marshmallows

Not that it mattered as I don’t really do sweet stuff, but I can’t think of anything else I’d toast.

Warm

Crumpets. Apart from crumpets.

Teacakes. I have a memory of toasting teacakes as a kid at my (*) grandparents as the football results were read out.

Liverpool
….
1
….
Everton
….
1

I would pay for a hug.