Going off the rails

I think about 2 or 3 years ago I started feeling unwell. Then really unwell. Then terrible. I hurt, ached, just wanted to curl up and sleep. It came on as “just a shitty day” and given back then the stress in my life was high I did not connect how I was feeling physically with anything else.
Prior to this I was in a bad time mentally and I had been prescribed a drug I had not been on before. I knew about it, had read about it and was happy to be on it.
I had no clue at all what else it might do. Rare, but documented.
Anyway, two visits to the doctor and on the second one he does some tests and “Go Directly to Hospital, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200”. Off I went and yay, the “head med” has given me a lifelong physical illness.
I stopped that med, the illness abated and I just got on with life.

A couple of months ago my head went to places that were dangerous. Unsafe. I was prescribed – with my consent and understanding – another drug. Mentally it has helped me. Very much so. I love that effect.
Then I started feeling not right. Not ill ill, just not right.

The main effect has been what I now know is Burning Mouth Syndrome. I have bottles of various hot sauces in the fridge / cupboards. Mr Singh’s, Matt’s Hot Sauce (no, not that ma.tt), Sriracha and more. I LOVE hot spices. Anything sold is stores as “spicy” is meh. Plain. Boring. Tasteless. But what I have now, and have done for a few weeks? They hurt. Actual physical pain. The only thing that does not hurt is room temp milk. Even drinking cold water hurts. Right now as I type this I’ve not had anything to eat/drink for some 20 mins but my mouth hurts.
Then I started to feel pretty crap. Every system in my body is affected in some way and that’s no exaggeration. And yet I couldn’t see why because I was not looking. I just felt like shitonastick.

Either in my dreams this morning, or in that weird ‘surfacing from dreams to the morning’ time my brain connected the giant dots which I just could not see.

Get in to see the GP. Relate history and current events and hey, guess where I get sent?
So I’m back there tomorrow.

I know the cure – stop the head meds.

Physically I will recover, I will ‘feel’ better.

Mentally .. my head will go back to where it should not be. To where I do not want it to be.


Very fucking annoying.

and sad too.

Suicide is selfish

Few nights ago a guy in the pub was banging on and on about how he was late for something that day. The reason? A woman had stepped off a bridge and died when she hit the motorway below.

This guy really did mean what he said – that she was a selfish bitch, a bitch who gave no thought to others, a selfish bitch who was all me me me.

I did think about talking to him, trying to get him to see her differently but … sometimes you know a lost cause when you see/hear it, right? All I can do is ignore him going forward.

Post title? Suicide is NOT selfish.

Not at all.

Check the video, please?


Oh look, geeks discover depression. I’m waiting for the app to solve it to be written, funded, and published by tonight. Nah, course not, they’ll have forgotten by then.

“A few years back when I quit smoking I spent two weeks with withdrawal symptoms the biggest one been[sic] depression.”
….. I’d say “Words fail me” but in this case they don’t. These fit perfectly – go fuck yourself.

In case you think that’s a little harsh – if I popped into Hacker News and said “I know what it’s like to code, I can write phpinfo()” I’d be laughed at. But that what this guy is doing – he missed his cigarettes and now says he knows what depression is like. Depression isn’t just a word. It’s a serious condition and his equating it to 14 days of his pathetic chemical withdrawal is doing everyone with depression a serious disservice. He just wanted some Hacker News Karma and sadly he’s probably getting just that which will reinforce his massively mistaken belief that he’s had depression and that he knows what he’s talking about. He doesn’t. He is clueless. Damagingly so. As I said – but this time with a name – elorant, go fuck yourself.