Writing things down 2

I wrote an email and sent the same to both my girls.
My youngest replied thanking me for my ‘morbid email’
– I replied that she has spelt the word practical wrongly 🙂

My email, and the subsequent actions really are practical.
After Jacqui died the hardest decisions were “What would Jacqui want me/us to do?”

Writing this down takes pressure off.
Writing it down means those left have a plan to follow.
Writing it down forces me to think, to consider, to plan.

Jacqui’s death taught me a lot. I’ve never been the person left behind. Beiung the type of person who thinks “That was then, this is now” it makes me think hard about when my girls lose me.

Again, I’ve no intention of doing anything and if paternal longevity is anything to go by I’ve a few decades left.

The point is that so much of life is non-nuclear family and so much of (my) life involes passwords, two factors, a PIN for a phone and computers.

While just dealing with the Will requires no digital access , someone can have all my music, ripped stuff, Steam / Epic / Origjn etc accounts. Someone needs to manage my Smugmug etc

So what I am trying to do is not morbid.
It’s trying to be practical about an inevitability.

(Fot what it’s worth.. I don’t feel well but nor do I feel bad. Does going to sleep later worry me? More than it did last week, yes).

What will be will be.

Writing things down

In the very early hours of this morning I woke in a lot of pain, called the NHS 111 and they blue-lighted an ambulance to me. Over 2.5 hours later they left after the situation (no, not self-inflicted) was resolved to our mutual satisfaction. It was pretty scary at one point.

I’ve pondered before about ‘what happens when I go’ given I now live alone so today started – I do have a Will – a txt file. It covers what I want for my funeral, who to tell, money stuff, passwords to get into machines and then to get more passwords.
It’s not done as I’m sure I’ll think of new stuff in the next few days.

But then what to do with a txt file?

I can’t send it unencrypted.
I can’t store it unencrypted.
But it could end up having a dcent amount of info that should not be just slung around.

My two girls have POA if needed, and are joint executors.
But I don’t have control over how they might store this info, regardless of what I say (though they are in no way daft)
So my initial though is to encrypt the resultant file with a 32 char password.
Test it does extract correctly on a second machine, then send half the password to each.
That too has it’s flaws though.

Pondering will continue…

David Icke and the NHS

More than 10,000 COVID conspiracy theorists gather in London: Huge crowd of anti-vaxxers led by David Icke gather to argue that virus is a lie spread in secret global plot organised by Bill Gates (Daily Mail)

Hi, so what brings you to the GP, A&E, walk-in center today

“I think I have Covid”

Did you go to the protest in London lead by David Icke?

“I did”

Well… off you go home, after all, it’s not real is it?

Thursday

Did everything right Wednesday evening – ate properly, 2 pints only, early to sleep. Thursday I made sure I was hydrated, ate breakfast, smoothie and yet the 3hr session on my calf was really ouchy. The body is odd.
Left feeling okay, got out of the taxi back home feeling ill. Wandered dogs, bit of housework, sat down and 15 mins later my heart took off. Ranged between 160-183.
Stickies
And then for reasons unknown it reverted back to normal. Still is. The body is odd.

Session 8

I have added another part of the body to the Do Not Get Tattooed! list
The upper inner arm is ouchy. It was when outlining and the shading will be more ouchy. Anyway, here’s one of a few pics

More colours yet to go in, it’s not finished.

Had another cardiac event yesterday early evening. My Apple watch has heart monitoring on since the hospital visits. This time though it lasted only a few minutes so no calls needed. I suppose a GP visit might be in order.

And I have sorted the dining area of downstairs at last. It’s much tidier, more functional. One emotional task down, more yet to go.

PQRST


Had a GP telephone appt today which I had made Tuesday, well before the event. Went through the reasons for the appt and I then mentioned the VT.
“VT?” he said, the letter he has says it is Atrial Fibrillation

Okay, at least we are still in the same organ

The cause is not being explored. After a one-off event I understand that. As someone used to reports from people that “Your software has a bug” I understand that even more – but I am confident this was not written off as PEBKAC

The potential for damage will be addressed with a medication

Modifiable factors? These include weight, blood pressure, exercise. Apparently weighing 75kg, doing a 3k run each morning and eating like Paris Hilton is not enough – I need to do more. So yeah, I need to do more there

The really weird thing about all this is the element of control
As someone with a semi-colon tattoo and another related – both on my hands – it is odd to feel that control of life can be taken out of my power. That’s a daft thought in many ways because we are never actually in control. Rabbit hole time in thoughts is this

Maybe it is a “I am mortal” thing

I can remember vividly looking at my youngest daughter, lying on the hospital bed 4 days after she was born. I was 26 and it dawned on me that I had (helped) to create her and that in the normal course of events I would die and leave her in this world.
I bought life insurance (long since cancelled because insurance is simply legalised theft).

Anyway, I need to do something. The “What” is yet to be decided

Session 4 – Ink Ink Music and a VT

More time under the needle with the left arm being the focus.
3 Images: the pen, the outline, and where I called stop because it got really ouchy.

Tattooing close to the armpit is ouchy
Tattooing the same area with the 4th colour is very ouchy.

We had 45 mins left so Neil redid the semi-colon on my right finger. That’s the third time so hoping it sticks.

Music?
I introduced Inkling to the utterly fantastic Girl Talk – All day, The White Panda – Bambooyah and Bearly Legal, Milkman – Circle of Fifths with a guest appearance of Infected Mushroom – Bust A Move.
Very well received.

VT?
Tuesday. Hospital appt which went slightly better than I thought. I was also told all my blood values were okay.
10pm, started to feel odd. Could not catch my breath
Soon after, chest ached, could feel exactly where my heart was
Rang 111, they said go hospital
11pm got there, seen in two minutes, hooked up to ECG machine, bloods taken, whisked through to the Major area
Couldn’t see time.The ECG machine was sounding it’s alarm beep and each time someone scooted into the bay. More bloods. Doc came in and said I had Ventricular Tachycardia.

Normal

Yeah, that’s not good

Told at some point I was going to be transferred to a cardiac center. Was tired and dozing and feeling weird. I was given some oral medication – I have no idea what, I wasn’t about to ask questions. I fell asleep. Woken just before 2am to tell me all was okay and I could go home.
worksforme
Got back, sat with the dogs for a while, went bed
And the week continues normally.

On Gaming

When I was younger I played video games because I enjoyed them. I loved the Worlds, the high scoring, the challenges, the “one more go” with Bosses

Then I moved to enjoying two player games with Jacqui. Lemmings wasn’t two player but hey she nagged from the back seat. Mario Kart was and we had many many races on the N64 decorating the landscape with bananas. Toejam & Earl was wonderful and funny. Taking turns playing Castle of Illusion. There were quite a few games which we enjoyed playing together.


I remember playing SSX Tricky and Jacqui calling out for the volume to be turned down because of the repeated “It’s tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that’s right on time It’s Tricky…”
but hey, I was that good. How good? Platinum everything, so yeah.

Gaming moved into escapism. It had been something I’d get lost into before – I came home from a Late shift once, 10pm and started playing Shining In The Darkness on the Megadrive. When I remembered to look at the time it was 4am, so I kept playing til 6, had a shower and went to work at 6:15am for the Early shift.
FF VII was a whole new world and my girls will associate that fight music with where we lived and that time.

Caring is hard. It’s more than 24/7. Gaming became a way to switch off my head. Go elsewhere while sitting in the same place.

I remember completing the last action in Fallout 3 and feeling genuinely sad that I had completed the game – so I loaded the last save and stayed well away from that location.
Skyrim captured me completely. I would say “SSHHH!!” to anyone disturbing me as my Stealth Archer crept through dark passageways.
Many other games captured my attention by the hour.

Jacqui died.

For quite some time it felt wrong to be happy, to escape.
My gaming hours dropped to zero.
I can remember two games I played in 2019. Breakneck (because it was an easy daily no-brainer) and Trine (because Wes and I recently completed it in one go).


I have 7500+ games on Steam. I have a heap on GOG, Itch, Epic, Origin, Uplay, Humble and more, but I’m not playing them.

Why?

I think part of it is that I don’t want to escape from my life into a fantasy game experience. What I want is to escape from my life into a real life experience.

The combination of working from home for 16+ years along with the caring role I had closed off every social connection I had. (That’s actual social, not those stupid buttons).

A few years ago if you had asked me if gaming was part of the solution or part of the problem, I would have replied solution.
Now .. it is not.

I am at the point where I am considering selling all my game accounts. Yeah it’s against the rules but rules are there to be broken.

I just don’t want to play any more.

Looking forward

This quote feels quite real for me:

“We have these big myths of addiction and sobriety, that getting clean is always a brand new start, that it’s all it takes. Sometimes all it does it let you have clear-eyed view of how badly you fucked everything up and how there’s nowhere else to go.” (Source)

I would change slightly

“We have these big myths of addiction and sobriety, that getting clean is always a brand new start, that it’s all it takes. Sometimes all it does it let you have clear-eyed view of how life actually is and that there’s nowhere else to go.”

That makes it very real.