I brought Jacqui home

A Certificate of Cremation. I had no idea such a thing existed, and now I own one. I do not know what it looks like as it is unopened in an envelope and it will remain so forever.
We have a partial solution to what we want to do with J’s ashes which is why I went to collect them today. Almost no-one in real life asks me how I am, but the lady – who I first met when I had to organise the thing last December – did today. I had to work to not cry. Then in the taxi back holding Jacqui I had to just.not.cry and when I got back I kept it in.
Talking to Chrissie at work she said it was okay to cry. I knew that because I’ve never been one of those “Man up” types, or that “Men don’t cry” silliness. But she sort of gave me permission if that doesn’t sound odd and the tears came. I had to stop work an hour early because you can’t read a screen properly when crying and all I could think of was J.

She’s here. She’s at home.

It is closing in on a year since we lost her but this, her ashes being here makes it more real.

How does something real become more real? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I have a green (biodegradable) urn here which I can touch. Which I talk to. Which makes me cry.

“The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.”
Carl Sagan, Cosmos

“The beauty of a living thing is not the atoms that go into it, but the way those atoms are put together.”
Carl Sagan, Cosmos

Love you J


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