This blog feels – to me – a different place. Not wrong, not uncomfortable, just different. I blog less and I blog differently and I’ve been pondering why…….
Over the life of this blog in it’s WP form (Jan 2004-) various things have happened to myself and my family. In terms of health and money we were disenfranchised.
J’s health problems in particular have no cure, they have little in the way of relief and they can massively impact our day-to-day living. Mine are present but lie subdued in a dark corner where they are chemically coshed every 24 hours. These problems have not gone away but right now the anger/frustration/sadness they generate is much lower than it has been. I have not the slightest doubt that both of these are sleeping leviathans who will return with a vengence.
Financially we were beholden to the Govt. We sat at the end of whatever political and financial processes were deemed to be good enough. It was not where we wanted to be but we were in no position to be able to change. Unless you have been there you have no idea how angry and humiliated the system can make you feel. You literally “get what you are given” and if the computer forgets to give? Tough. I’m not saying it should be easy – it should not – but as people with some pride the way we were made to feel was at times very ….. words fails me. Think humiliated / angry / sad rolled into a tight explosive package. The effects of that still linger and will do for a long time I’m sure. Things have changed though – the dependency is gone (almost) so while financially we are not much better off the direction of the cashflow is different and is more ‘normal’ which is a positive thing. That of course generates it’s own form of pressure – but one all working people have. So financially things have improved.
These two elements I think drove a lot of my anger – and they probably will do again at some point. But they subsided and with that the posts probably slipped away. What I was blogging about also poured some cool water onto the keyboard….
Back in April I blogged about “My first…” and in that entry I said this: I canâ€™t remember the first time I got dumped. I wonder if Dâ€™s now ex-boyfriend will remember the eventâ€¦. well….I thought at that point that D had finally got round to telling the then boy-f that he was no longer welcome. Thing is….. she hadn’t, he didn’t know how she felt and he was reading this blog. First I know is D flying downstairs saying “What have you written on your blog??” after chatting on msn. The boy-f should remember that though – he was dumped by the parent’s blog 🙂 So that event (I didn’t get into too much trouble there) was a wake-up call of sorts. Couple of weeks agao I blogged the cheek piercings? That wasn’t exactly a ‘family harmony’ post either! So I know D is reading this thing. Her friends know of it. I don’t want to blog too much about her because her ex reads it and maybe others and I can’t intrude on her privacy. It would be unfair to blog about P too for similar reasons. There were probably other posts which generated comments here at home. I begin to censor myself.
The fact I work for Automattic has zero influence on my blogging – apart from the fact I devote a huge amount of time to Support. It’s like any job in all respects and if I want to blog stuff I will. It has been suggested that I can’t say what I think. I most certainly can. I just have little to say on that – it’s work and while you might think your boss and colleagues and customers may or may not know what blogging is … 😉
Then what has to be added in to this mix is that in now trying to work for myself I am very aware that this blog will be read by people I will actually meet and they will have the actual power to give me money. Or not. So while I don’t want to brown-nose anyone or anything I equally don’t want to offend unduly – after all, cash is cash.
A year ago I was disempowered. I was angry and saw little direction. That almost certainly was reflected here. Yet now I find myself in a position where I can influence things positively and the focus moves away from negativity. The bad things are always easier to cope with when there are some good things to see just ahead. I’m not uncomfortable with these changes – far far from it – but the depth that I see this has affected what I write has surprised me. I don’t know, maybe if you read this you have detected a difference, maybe not. Maybe you see different reasons from what I write – because I still don’t recall things I’ve blogged about (You know those people who have a “On this day 12 months ago I blogged…” thing? I tried that a couple of times and looked back a year because I do tend to post most days. And when I saw the entries on both occasions I wondered if it was really me that wrote it. I was angry and ranting in both.)
Strange thing is blogging..