In I think 2001, a psychiatrist I used to work with killed himself. He was the psych to several patients I was Named Nurse for so I saw him at least twice a week. I saw him on the Tuesday, we had the planned meetings, agreed work for the Thursday and on the Wednesday he took his life. All very carefully planned. And none of us around him had a single freaking clue of the event that was about to happen. Not one. I blogged the event at the time but aside from conversations in that hospital with staff who knew him too, I have never had cause to mention it. But twice in the last 6 days I have recounted that as part of an effort to make two different people realise that you can’t see inside someone like they thought. It’s odd how people say “But he never looked stressed or ill. He always looked fine to me” and they see that view as being the concrete position, the defining point of a person. That isn’t said to get at them – we have all done it – but it’s trying to get them to see that someone standing right in front of you, someone you work with or even live with can actually be a complete stranger. But then that’s quite a threatening idea, and one that must make you question your own abilities at judging people and getting on with people – and none of us want to acknowledge that our skills there might be lacking do we ? Having said that of course you would have to be an expert to get past some of us who can stick that smile on with superglue when we wake, removing it only as the light falls to match our deepest feelings. I used to be good at that. “Smiling Depression” “Masked Depression” I was told. Not that a label makes it feel any different. The point is though that these people were going over and over and over their thoughts / actions / inactions trying to make sense of it all, probably trying to see where they could have done something to change the outcome. But you can’t, can you ? It’s just not that easy.

And the post title ? D wandered in earlier… “Daaaaaaad… know how much you looooooooooove me …” so now she’s got Tshirt from Kingdom Of Loathing on it’s way. (My character is lvl6 though – better than hers!)

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