Just making a note

J is in relapse again, and the extent of some further damage became apparent last week. She was out doing a spot of gardening and pruning. With one particular branch she couldn’t cut it until she looked closer and realised her finger was between the jaws of the secateurs, so for that she has a very deep and long cut in a finger – and yes she was wearing gloves. All feeling has gone in her hands and some fine motor control.
This lack of feeling – it’s the same with her feet – coupled with her vision, which is better but not as good as it could be, makes for a stupid situation. If she washes up she risks scalding her hands and the plates etc are never clean – we all look and feel to check don’t we ? So we have to do them again. Which begs the question why does she do it anyway ? Because if she didn’t she’d feel more useless than she does, but then she gets frustrated when she sees that things are being cleaned again. It annoyed her yesterday watching me doing the ironing – not that I do a bad job (I do an excellent job!) but that she could not do it.
I hate the relapses. Not just because J becomes less able but because it shows the lie in our life. When she’s not too bad – and a very very good day now would be walking 40 yards without stopping (she never leaves the house now without her stick) – she does what she wants and what she can because it’s important to her and to us. We can almost pretend things are what passes for normal here but when her days become “get up – sit in chair – go bed” it’s pretty difficult to pretend that things are actually anything other than crap. I just hope this relapse doesn’t last long ..

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