On a Sunday.

I’ve cleaned the machine of that infection. Combination of following advice in other posts on the spyware forums and my own clutzing about with various things. But a full cleanup, reg clean/compact and defrag later and it’s purring nicely here.

European GP .. gets right in the way of the gym session at my normal time.

Okay ….. remember a few days ago I mention that D spends far too much time chatting to this lad called Gary who – I was pleased to note at the time – lives 270 miles away ? Turns out that he’s popping back to Leicester for a day or two. His uncle has business in Derby (another city north of here) but uncle has said he will drop Gary off in Leicester and pick him up on the way back. The next day. So Gary needs somewhere to stay. D comes downstairs last night and tells me of this. I ask her what she is asking me, whether she wants him to stay over (have I mentioned Gary is 17 ? D is 14). She wants to see him. She knows that unless he has somewhere to stay, he probably will not come down. She wants to meet this guy she chats to every night. So yes, of course she wants me to say he can stay here. But …… this is my little girl …. and a guy I have not set eyes on let alone ever met.
I said to D that I could just say “No” but that I’d be doing so for absolutely no good reason. I’d be doing that to have no problem, because I could, because it was the easy thing to do. I told her I didn’t want to say that word. Equally though, just saying “Yea, sure” would be daft – I have not met him, he is 17 and she is not over 16 (this made her blush and she protested that nothing would happen) and maybe he would want to do things she would not, that she might just say yes for reasons that seemed right at that moment but she would regret very quickly, that he would be bigger and able to force himself on her. I said that I could tell him to sleep downstairs or that D sleep in her sister’s room while Gary had her room but that wouldn’t work because they’d creep around to be with each other (I did that !) so that’s no option. One option would be say that he if stayed elsewhere she could see him there, but then I’m actually doing 2 things: putting her into another place where she may not feel as safe, and doing the “out of sight out of mind” thing. So that’s not on. I can hardly say that I’ll vet him and decide on the day / evening due to distance so I need to make the decision and then stick to it. D is sitting across from me as we discuss this and I know that she’ll respect what we decide – I saw ‘we’ because she’d agree, probably reluctantly so maybe I ought to say “what I dictate” but I’m uncomfortable with that. This is a real decision and she has to be party to risks and emotions involved. Risks ? maybe I’m overdramatising it …. nope, my little girl. RISKS. Anyway..
I want her to be safe. I want her to feel safe. Right now I’m not hugely bothered about how Gary will feel – harsh maybe but my priorities are in one direction only. So D being safe means she stays here and that means that he does too. So yes, he can come down and stop – I’ve just realised I don’t know exactly when – for a night. (Mental note: find all the pointy steel jewellery for me to wear) but that still leaves my daughter and this guy alone in a room. I can’t be in there playing guardian angel but I can do better than that – I can put a few in there. D can invite some friends over for the night. That way she feels safe and comfortable, they act as both friends and chaperones and he gets to see a few more girls than maybe he was bargaining for. I can’t wrap my girls in cotton wool and protect them from guys forever, but I think I’m close to getting this one right. I hope I am…

18 thoughts on “On a Sunday.

  1. Tough call eh Mark. Lucky for me I have never had to deal with such a situation. However on balance I am sure I would have worked around to the same outcome as you. I like to work on a 50/50 deal give a little. take a little. Where most folk go wrong in such situations is by not talking the situation through. Dialog is king in all matters eh…

  2. Tek – I have and I have. I’ll comment here to save thread hijacking:

    If the lad had approached me directly, I don’t know what my decision would have been. It could even have been the same, but how I got there could be different. Do I trust this Gary …. I cannot answer. I have no basis either way, and it’s a stretch to stop myself thinking that where all males are concerned my girls are off-limits (one-track minds, the lot of ’em!). What I can’t ever do is stop D doing what she wants to – that is a decision only she can make and like the decision I have made in the post, it can only be judged to be a good decision with hindsight.
    With setting what is an acceptable scenario with friends here, I’m hoping of course that I severely limit all behaviour and arguably that isn’t so great – maybe she and he want to kiss ? Haven’t I virtually denied that ? Cuddling too may well be off the menu – so maybe while I seem to be doing good I’m actually stifling her situation. I really don’t know.
    In the end, I want my girls to be safe. Everything else can be handled in some way.

    At some point in the future, D will make a decision about sex. How I feel about that then I will tackle then, but what she does is her business in the end – no matter how well (or not) we have raised her.

  3. =)

    Good luck! I just wanted you to read another parents decison.

    See, this is why I would make a terrible parent (which is fine since I have no desire for children). I would lock my girl up and release her once she can play piano, speak three languages, has a black belt, and knows how to gut a man with fishing wire and a can opener.

    Then again, I’m a bit.. um… yeah.

  4. Actually I shouldn’t say gut when I was thinking about cutting a man’s throat. It was something I was taught in my very brief military career, the point being to slice through the trachea so as there isn’t a sound when you kill the individual.

    Nothing I hever put to the test but something that was interesting to learn at the time.

    And ever since then, I carry a can opener and fishing line in my pocket… 😎

    I’m kidding about that part.


  5. Tek – Thinking some more, it seems that the mum in that thread is more upset about the guy and the betrayal.
    Let’s say something DID happen when this Gary stops over .. unless I have asked and specifically covered the correct territory, I can’t get annoyed for the same reasons. I could get angry, I could beat the crap out of him, remove his testicles and then hang him with a hook through his left buttock while I called the police but what I could not do is get angry at him – or her – for lying.

    And if D has made a positive decision that she wants to have sex, then I can do nothing at all about it. Except give a hug and tell her I still love her 🙂

  6. Wise decision Mark. I’d probably have done something along those lines too. It’s so easy just to say no – at least in the short term. Trouble with that is it brings long term problems with it (generally speaking that is).

    Severely limited all behaviour? Isn’t that a good thing? It will allow D both time and space to make her own decisions and escape the possibility of being pressured into doing something she doesn’t really want to. Sounds very sensible to me. 🙂

  7. In Sweden the guy would have been invited en famille to sleep in the same bed as the daughter, and the father would have served tea in bed in the morning. Funny folk the Swedes. Mark from what I know of you , you are going to do whats right. Lets hope that the Adonis in person as it were is not going to be a disappointment. But there has to something sad about boggers anyway right ? 🙂

  8. Mark, do you think he will really try something in your house after meeting you. I mean, you are a pretty big guy that scares grown men!

    Any guy I’ve brought home to my dad has been shown his huge gun collection (mind you I’m a redneck farmer’s daughter).

    D’s a smart girl it seems. I’m sure the two of you will come to an agreeable solution.

  9. Blokes are blokes, if he wants to try something he’ll take his chances with the spiky dad!
    Getting mates over seems like a good idea… Hell, you don’t know – D might find him really irritating in real life! Sounds like she’s got a good head on her shoulders (aw, just like dad) and will do the right thing.

    Hooray for buttock hooks.

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