LOTR – The Review

Lord of the Rings is a story symbolizing the neverending battle between men and women.

Women are represented by the character Sauron. Once Sauron gets “the one ring”, she goes ape-shit, bosses people around, plays with dirt (a.k.a., gardening for orcs; when a woman starts a garden, she is trying to grow stuff TO KILL YOU – remember that important lesson), destroys stuff, and otherwise tries to mess up the world for men everywhere.

The rest of the story is about a group of brave men who, having gotten a hold of the ring from Sauron while she was asleep from all the booze, bonbons and Lifetime channel, seek to destroy it at Mount City Hall (called Mount Doom here) before the evil woman wakes up. Unfortunately, like all women, even while she’s asleep, she’s still got one eye on you at all times. The ring wraiths represent the in-laws who are always chasing you and harassing you about something or another. Should a man ever wear “the ring”, he becomes invisible to all other men as if he no longer exists and is no longer invited to hangouts with the other guys. This is called becoming “whipped”.

The poor guy wearing “the ring” can no longer think of football, chicks or anything else aside from being watched by his woman. This is called anxiety or paranoia stemming from being “whipped”. Oh yeah, everything takes place in someplace called “Middle Earth”, because, thanks to Sauron, it’s neither Heaven nor Hell but something in between. The smart ones in the movie are the elves, who represent homosexuals. Rather than try to fight it out or deal with women (Sauron), they decide to just sail away and make a new life for themselves someplace else and in some other Sauron-less fashion. Notice how the elves tend to live a LOT longer that way, to the point of almost being immortal.

The end.

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