Session 8

I have added another part of the body to the Do Not Get Tattooed! list
The upper inner arm is ouchy. It was when outlining and the shading will be more ouchy. Anyway, here’s one of a few pics

More colours yet to go in, it’s not finished.

Had another cardiac event yesterday early evening. My Apple watch has heart monitoring on since the hospital visits. This time though it lasted only a few minutes so no calls needed. I suppose a GP visit might be in order.

And I have sorted the dining area of downstairs at last. It’s much tidier, more functional. One emotional task down, more yet to go.

A recurring bad dream

About once every 10 days I have a bad dream where the locations change but the problem is always the same. I am lost.

I am wearing a coat, I have bags, I have a suitcase and I’m trying to get to my room. I’m not at home though. Last night I was in some massive hotel in a country that did not have English as even a second language. I knew my room number – 25 – but I had no clue how to get there. The hotel was complex with malls, bars, many many corridors, many floors, many odd lifts, signs I could not understand. Previously I’ve been in a huge holiday complex, in a city, in blocks of flats, in a university.
I never get to where I need to go. I walk and I walk and I ask and I try many routes but I never get closer. I just get more and more tired and confused.
And every morning after these dreams I wake up with a headache, feel sick and feel absolutely drained. I want to stay in bed and sleep but if I do that the dream carries on from where it left, so I have to get up.

I suppose it’s my mind trying to make sense of where I am in the world. I am lost in many ways without Jacqui and I have no-one to talk to. Despite 4 different health agencies being involved in her care not one asked me about bereavement counselling, I have since asked and been told No, to call Cruse (and they are permanently engaged on the phone). I think I know why they have said No, but I’m not writing that here.

I hate these dreams though because they plague the following day too, and I have no way of stopping them.

Session 6 – calf

I think I’ve skipped my arm pics as they alternate
Anyway, as I’ve said before, don’t get your calf tattooed

Made a decision last week. Thought about it. Decided after a week it was the right decision to make and Saturday started the process. Today was the second step. The third is some way away…..

Emotional tasks

The “Wednesday Coffee” widow/ers meeting this week was myself and Heather. The loss of her husband is around the same time frame as my losing Jacqui.
During the conversation Heather started talking about the tasks she still has to do. My initial reply was that I had none but as we kept chatting it dawned on me that I have several tasks which really do need tacking
– financial
– sorting what was going to be J’s bedroom and is now a spare room
– trying to give away the through-floor lift
– heaps of CD’s to be given away
– clear the roof space
– a mound of paperwork I found which I need to sort to throw away or keep
– the dining area of downstairs. It’s where J sat at a (now dismantled) table for years and the shelving there holds what she wanted to see.
And there is probably more.
It doesn’t sound like a lot but each one carries an emotional toll.

So I’m going to make a proper list, maybe break down some tasks into chunks and then start, or hope to start tackling them.

And in the odd way that grief works I’m back feeling just how I did 1 minute before I gestured to Koda the other day.

Jacqui

Yesterday was all normal. I wasn’t firing on all cylinders at work but I got to where I needed to be – we all have days like that – and I logged out okay. Did whatever and later I’m sitting on the floor when Koda comes up to me. She’s an independent girl and takes fuss when she wants so as she wanted fuss she got it.

If you have a dog you’ll recognise that moment when they roll on their back and look at you all goofy. Koda did that and looked directly at me.

I pointed a finger at my chest
I held both my hands over the centre of my chest
I pointed both index fingers at her

As I did this I said
I
love
you

and I just started crying.
It’s more than 24 hours since and I’m still crying.

The last time I did that gesture I was looking into Jacqui’s eyes. All she could move was her right index finger but she gestured those same, that same feeling back to me.

It feels like I lost her yesterday.

I bought an iron

Wednesday. It’s my Saturday and on Saturdays I head into the city for matcha latte. Last year I started a Meetup.com group for widow/ers in this city/shire. 41 people joined but only a few turned up to the regular Wednesday meeting.
IMG 0290
It then became really just 4 of us. Given that Meetup.com charge around £28/month just to have a group and between the 4 of us we could use text message I stopped the group. Saw no reason to keep it going.
One lady has been there more than anyone – Aruna – and today, like last week and next week we met up.

Chat ranges around many subjects and it’s always lovely to talk to her. I talked today about my plan for this coming year. No-one else at all knows, so it was good to talk about what I want to do, how, etc etc. It’s good to get suggestions and validation.

I love matcha latte
Photo 2020 01 29 17 59 45

Last week, this was at Orso in Leicester.
Really cool indy coffee/tea/matcha/chai place.
How cool? Every drink comes with a custard cream biscuit.
That’s how cool.
No fancy stuff, just a proper British Biscuit.

Tomorrow is more tattoo time, leg or arm, whichever Neil wants to do. And twice this week I’ve has a comment about my left hand tattoo. Both guys recognised it as Persian which was cool.

MUST remember to do my tax return tomorrow.

Koda : text detector

This is koda
Koda 1
I am sitting downstairs, the phone volume is muted and when I get a text my apple watch vibrates. No noise, just the wobble

I login to Paypal, get a 2FA text, watch vibrates, no other noise
I get a BBC alert, vibration, no noise
I get a security cam alert, same
No matter what arrives – and this has been happening for quite some time, it’s just that vibrate

This is koda
Koda 2
but when Jennifer texts?
Before the watch vibrates, koda starts barking
We are both downstairs, koda is out of my line of sight yet she will spring up and start barking – and then my watch vibrates.

Just now I had 3 texts, 2 from Jennifer, 1 from another source. Koda barked only at the two from Jennifer.

Koda cannot be ‘reading’ my reaction because (1) she can’t see me and (2) this happens before I get a notif about the first text.

Odd. Sort of cute, definitely noisy, but odd.

PQRST


Had a GP telephone appt today which I had made Tuesday, well before the event. Went through the reasons for the appt and I then mentioned the VT.
“VT?” he said, the letter he has says it is Atrial Fibrillation

Okay, at least we are still in the same organ

The cause is not being explored. After a one-off event I understand that. As someone used to reports from people that “Your software has a bug” I understand that even more – but I am confident this was not written off as PEBKAC

The potential for damage will be addressed with a medication

Modifiable factors? These include weight, blood pressure, exercise. Apparently weighing 75kg, doing a 3k run each morning and eating like Paris Hilton is not enough – I need to do more. So yeah, I need to do more there

The really weird thing about all this is the element of control
As someone with a semi-colon tattoo and another related – both on my hands – it is odd to feel that control of life can be taken out of my power. That’s a daft thought in many ways because we are never actually in control. Rabbit hole time in thoughts is this

Maybe it is a “I am mortal” thing

I can remember vividly looking at my youngest daughter, lying on the hospital bed 4 days after she was born. I was 26 and it dawned on me that I had (helped) to create her and that in the normal course of events I would die and leave her in this world.
I bought life insurance (long since cancelled because insurance is simply legalised theft).

Anyway, I need to do something. The “What” is yet to be decided