Fidelity – what IS cheating ?

Over at LifeHut, a bit of a debate was started by the post entitled How to NOT cheat on your partner, and I’ve commented but not on the main issue. It’s a bit long for a comment.

The point I would criticise concerns the assumption I see running through that post that sex is the cheating part – it isn’t. But before I leap into a flawed post, the issue – as is rightly pointed out in that article, is talking. And I don’t mean after the fact either – speaking as a bloke, you will only ever find out what a woman thinks cheating is AFTER you have done something which you probably do NOT think is cheating – and your same-sex mates would agree with you and possibly even some opposite sex mates as well.. Read on…and what follows is the views of a 41 yo bloke who is still with the woman he met over 22 years ago and married in 1986. This neither entitles me to a “I’m better than you” opinion, nor does mean I’m telling you anything else.

Which of the following is cheating ?

  1. Paying a prostitute for (safe) sex
  2. Having sex with someone from the office at a drunken office party
  3. Having sex with someone from the office while at work
  4. Having sex with a woman you just met in a bar after an argument at home
  5. Having sex with a woman you just met in a bar while away from home
  6. Having phone/text/cybersex with someone you will never meet
  7. Having phone/text/cybersex with someone you do meet
  8. Meeting someone for a drink who your partner does not like but they do not know
  9. Meeting someone for a drink who your partner does not like and you lied about the meeting
  10. Holding hands with someone else in public when your partner is not around
  11. Oral sex from you
  12. Oral sex on you
  13. Thinking of someone else while having sex with your partner
  14. Buying secret gifts for someone else
  15. Sending secret texts to someone else
  16. Telling someone of the opposite sex all your secrets and your feelings about your partner but without touching them at all
  17. Kissing someone else passionately
  18. Buying flowers for someone else but not telling your partner
  19. Buying flowers for someone else who your partner does not like and not telling your partner

All of those are cheating, and that list is but a tiny tiny fraction of what I think another person would use in a fight – and when trust is broken, a fight (hopefully just verbal) results. So going back to the article at LifeHut, and using that list, I got the impression that the author there would tick all the ‘sex’ items. Of course reading this list he will tick them all probably, but that was my impression. And I think that the sex assumption is wrong.
Sex is a biological urge. Stronger in some than others, inflamed by alcohol and circumstances but it’s just an act. It’s almost ‘notch on the bedpost’ stuff, it’s about conquest, immediate satiation, lust, scoring and any number of other euphemisms we have for sexual intercourse. In the end though, it’s a base urge and one that arguably we can lose control of at times. Note – I said arguably. So the sex thing .. yes, it is cheating IF both partners agree – and that could be a complex area.

Cheating is when the harmed person says it is, not when you think it is.

Number 16 is the killer – and I’ve known people who would class 10 as a hanging offence. There’s no touching going on. There’s no base urges happening, but they have just bared their soul to someone else. Which scenario is worst ?

  • Your partner walks in and says “I’ve just had sex with X from work” OR
  • Your partner walks in and says “I’ve just told everything I feel about us and you to X from work”

Initially, the first hurts but this – however much you protest – could be ‘defended’ albeit it in a way you might not agree with. But the second ? there is no defence for that. That was actively disclosing information to someone else who now possesses that information and even if they never use it against you, you cannot feel the same about them again. In fact they both hurt, but very differently. Because of the first, physical intimacy becomes difficult but because of the second emotional intimacy is ruined.

The problem is that you simply cannot ask all the possible questions and even if you did, you would get not all the answers back. I don’t think you can get through any relationship of any depth over an extended period of time without some form of ‘cheating’ going on. If you have done something – anything – that your partner would not like and you have not told them, then they could class that as cheating. You may not see it that way, but your view counts for nothing at that point in time.
Test: if they did what you just have, would you be happy about it ?
Another test: if you won the lottery would you choose ‘No Publicity’ because of what the Press would dig up about you ?

So where’s my answer ? I haven’t got one. I don’t believe there is one despite all these junk TV programmes and Agony Aunt columns advising us about what not to do and when not to do it. I also don’t think we should carry on our lives as if our partners were perched on our shoulders – aren’t they meant to enhance our life, not possess or dictate it ?

Fidelity is what you and your partner say it is. And as much as you believe in it, one day you’ll screw it up. That’s the way life is.

103 thoughts on “Fidelity – what IS cheating ?

  1. I understand what you’re saying about 16 but what if its a friend that you’ve had for a long time, especially if its a friend you’ve had longer than your partner. I think that a lot of women in particular would be “guilty” of that one.

    Also I wouldn’t count 8. If your partner knows about it and has agreed what’s the problem, assuming you have no attraction to the person you’re meeting. That one would fall under the heading of jealousy if it causes a problem.

  2. Personally, I wouldn’t class 8 or 9 as cheating. We all have friends that our partners don’t get on with, and they have friends we don’t like. I wouldn’t accept my other half telling me I COULDN’T meet up with ‘X’ for a drink, just as in the same way I wouldn’t tell her not to meet ‘Y’. A relationship doesn’t cut out all other social contact simply because of a dislike. The reason I include 9 is that sometimes it’s easier to say nothing and not rock the boat. Grey area maybe, but I don’t see the problem in it…

    13… well, I’m sure most people have done that at one point, even if it’s only about someone famous… I wouldn’t count it as cheating, butthen, who’d know :p

    16… Everyone has someone they tell things too, quite often personal things. It’s the nature of friendship. Everyone needs somewhere to vent, and for the *luckiest* people, the person they confide in and tell everything too is the person they pledge to spend their life with. For the rest of us, it may be a close friend that has been there longer than the partner. Personally, I wouldn’t tell anyone personal details about a partner, as it’s not my place, but I have been guilty of telling other people how I feel about something, even if that reflects negatively on the partner in question. Again, I wouldn’t think it’s cheating, just venting.

    Tho, I do agree that all the above could be construed as cheating, in the same way that with open discussion most, if not all the above, could be a part of a healthy and loving relationship.
    At the end of the day, it’s up to the woman in the partnership! :) They always rule the roost!

  3. All very interesting points…I suppose that #13 isn’t cheating in my books, but that could be debatable if it happened ALL the time! The mind is the most important part of one’s sex life, IMO.

    My ex-wife met someone online. She told him all about our family, our issues, our problems. She discussed things with him that she should have discussed with me. The result was that she told me to leave, and very soon after the divorce was final, she moved him up to Canada from the US and married him. At one time it tore me to shreds imagining what she may have also talked about with him. I did find emails that she was trying to hide from me where he expressed a lot of physical emotions.

    Now, this is not to point the finger at her and blame her for the divorce…I share equally in the demise of my marriage, however, in the context of this discussion, she was unfaithful to me. She cheated on me. None of it was physical, as he was 4000kms away, but in every sense of the word other than the act of sex, she cheated on me.

    Never in my life had I ever felt so violated by anyone, let alone the person whom I had been with since highschool; the person who took a vow of marriage (“I meant it at the time” she said); and the person who went through four pregnancies and brought two fantastic children into the world.

    From my perspective, ANY act that would result in one’s partner feeling hurt means that the other person was a cheat.

  4. In (8), ‘now’ changed to ‘not’

    And that changes the whole statement! Its now cheating. If you’ve nothing to hide then why do so?

    ANY act that would result in one’s partner feeling hurt means that the other person was a cheat.

    Agreed, at the end of the day its up to the other party to decide how they feel. Its very much a matter of perspective.

    “I think that a lot of women in particular would be “guiltyâ€? of that one.â€? but dino – they make the rules

    and:

    At the end of the day, it’s up to the woman in the partnership! They always rule the roost!

    So true ;)

  5. I think #16 is the very tricky one.

    It’s all about how each of the parties interpret the conversation.

    If there are simply two friends discussing feelings, sharing advice, and encouraging the other to speak to their partner about their feelings, I don’t see anything wrong with this. What are friends for right?

    But, if it is a “I can’t believe he/she treats you like that. I would treat you so much better.” This is crossing the line.

    When advice from someone from the opposite sex turns from, “I really think you should discuss this with your partner.” to “You deserve better.” a line has been crossed.

  6. I guess it depends on the dynamic of the relationship and how well you know your partner. I’m pretty sensitive, so I’d consider it cheating if somebody went on a ‘date’ with another woman and lied to me about it. Indeed, if you’ve been reading my blog, then you’ll know this is exactly what just happened and my relationship ended as a result. If you *know* your partner wouldn’t mind, because you’ve discussed it, then it doesn’t matter what you do I suppose… People have open relationships all the time which are very successful. But if you know it would hurt them, then it’s wrong and you shouldn’t do it.

  7. Cheating is a matter of opinion every couple is different and they all have different boundaries i wouldn’t dare to assume that its the way it is. been with my girl 3 yrs never cheated on her have thought of plenty of girls in a sexual way but still haven’t cheated on here for me and her thats not cheating maybe it is for you. thx

  8. I think I’ve been cheated on by my ex boyfriend. I’m not really sure though. Our relationship ended because he asked for it. I was getting all these thoughts that he was having someone on the side, so I basically gave him his freedom. If my feelings were correct, I’ll never know. I won’t ask him. I don’t have the guts.
    I have friends who were cheated by their partners. The offenses ranged from having phone sex with someone, kissing someone, sending secret text messages to someone, etc. I can’t remember exactly how my friends found out but the good thing is that they did. They’re better off without their cheating boyfriends and girlfriends. I believe that what comes around, goes around.

  9. Thanks for posting that kind of list. Actually, I’m thinking of giving a copy of that to a friend of mine who is in a relationship. Cheating is a big deal in a relationship especially in serious relationships. When you say you love someone,you’re pledging at the same time sincerity and commitment to your relationship. But at times, some partners say they love you and yet they have their eyes roaming or set to another person. That is the reason why most of the time some relationships fail. For, cheating leaves the other person hurt. It’s a good thing that there are relationships that still survive in times like this especially in marriages. But sad to say that there are also those that break off. The best thing to do then in order to maintain a perfect relationship is to be generous and honest to your partner. Give him/her all your love and affection.

  10. I hate to admit this but I entered a relationship with a guy who already had a girlfriend. Although, I didn’t know that from the start. I just found out because we were holding hands in the mall when “my” guy suddenly took his hand away. I later discovered that his first girlfriend and her friends were a few feet away from him. He wasn’t lucky that day, his first girlfriend’s sister saw us holding hands. Naturally, the girlfriend confronted us. The girl believed that I had no idea I was dating someone with a girlfriend already. They argued at the mall and I was left to my own devices. I quickly walked away and went to my cousin’s house.

  11. My ex boyfriend asked me not to meet with Joseph, my guy bestfriend. He thinks that me and Joseph have a thing for each other. He specifically told me not to go out with my bestfriend anymore. I agreed to what he wanted at first. After some time, I told myself that it wasn’t fair. Why should I stop meeting my friends when I know that I’m not doing anything wrong? I then decided that I shouldn’t forsake my friendship because of a jealous boyfriend. I went out with Joseph and a couple of our other friends for a drink. It so happened that my ex boyfriend was at the same bar that our group decided to visit. He saw me sitting beside Joseph. He took me home right away. I wasn’t even able to say my farewells to everyone. I got so mad at him for dragging me away from my friends. We had a very ugly argument. I decided to end the relationship that night. Apparently, my ex boyfriend got cheated on by the girl before me. I can’t put it in his thick skull that I couldn’t possibly do anything like that. Cheating brings a lot of strain in a relationship. Even innocent people are accused of doing it because of what former lovers did.

  12. I have to admit that I cheated on my boyfriend. I was 18 at that time. I was getting bored with the relationship. I felt that I needed some excitement in my life. I started dating a guy I had a crush on. This new guy, Ralph, was a swimmer. He had a great body. His abs were perfect. I was absolutely smitten by him. Having two boyfriends at the same time was great at first. I felt so adored. But I started feeling bad afterwards. I broke up with Ralph. I also had the courage to tell it to Chris, my first boyfriend. Chris couldn’t believe it at first. We were both crying when I confessed cheating on him. I expected he will end our relationship. I got the surprise of my life when he hugged me. He told me that we should give the relationship another chance. Fortunately, things worked out. We’re still together after 4 years. I’ve never cheated on him eversince.

  13. Cheating on your partner is the worst thing you can do to someone who loves you. I know a guy who cheats every so often on his girlfriend. He says he keeps the girlfriend because he loves her, but he strays because he needs the action and excitement which he can’t get from his relationship with his girlfriend.

  14. i had a boyfriend that cheated on me with his ex then found out she was pregnant with his baby! then he ran away from me for 2days and then decided to tell me the truth, now hes left me for her,i fink cheating is wrong i may only be 18 but no matter how old u r the pain is still there, i don’t see the point in cheating if u :love: someone as much as you say what is the point in cheating???

  15. Im so glad to hear that so many people agree that cheating is when the hurt person says it is. I recently asked my bf of 3 years to see some photos he had and he said sure. There were 20 or more photos of girls hed taken photos of when he went away on a weekend with the boys. They upset me a little, but not as much as the one with him holding a girl, squeezing their faces close and her licking his face. I approached him and he just got angry and said it had nothing to do with me and it was just guys having some fun. I trust that nothing else happened with her but its enough for me that she was licking his face… this was a girl he had just met, and that he had to keep a photo made it hurt even worse. He doesnt understand how or why it would hurt me. I guess we all have different boundaries and my line and his are not the same. He said he wouldnt care if I did the same, and therefore could not accept that it hurt me. I’m at my wits end speaking to him about it because I get nowhere. I try to explain how I feel in a rational way but he gets too angry to listen. Is it because he truly doesn’t understand how much it hurt, or perhaps he know’s he’s guilty of crossing the line? I will probably never know. What I do know is that cheating really is when the hurt person says it is.

  16. I agree — with all but 13, in context. 13 becomes cheating when it follows any of the other numbers, that is, it’s based on someone else who a person has had intimate contact with and that the partner doesn’t know about.

    If it’s a fantasy/actor/porn/whatever, it’s not cheating — once it becomes grounded in reality it is.

    My boyfriend tells all of our problems to our friends, and it’s gotten to be a real sticking point for us, we argue about it. Now, we have agreed to talk about it seriously, but he says its a dealbreaker for him — I’m not sure how to compromise on ths one.

  17. Women are different from men. If a woman cheats while she is in love, it shows she needs money and objects to be happy. If a man goes out and has a relationship with another woman, shares a bed, and life…That is cheating. If a man has sober flings, he is just a complete asshole. If he does not come through and tell the truth, he deserves to get the boot. If a woman is cheating on her boyfriend, she needs to say something…Men cannot be embarrassed like that, they know what is up, they can feel it. Women are just better than men at controlling their sexual urges, if they werent, then they wouldnt be the ones to say no 9 out of 10 times. There are different people out there, psychological problems, issues, and some would say, demons. Things that EVERYBODY works on every day. It just seems impossible that anybody out there does not work on their personal issues to make themselves feel better inside. Then there are men out there, who try so hard to be men, that they just talk the talk, and never walk the walk, which is very easy to identify. A man can be in a bar and have his arm around some girl he is attracted to, and go home and think “Why did I do that?” There are also whores who hate seeing a great relationship, and they seduce the taken man. And also, I read above, alcohol. Not mentioned is Marijuana. Quit smoking pot for one week and look how your sex drive dies down and even the porn you would normally like changes. You can go from wanting to fuck a trailer girl (with your hand) because you think thats all you can get, to wanting to fuck a huge titted beauty(with your hand) because your self worth is so much higher. Then try not drinking when your out or at a party, and see the decisions you make. The animal you aren’t. The whole inner “we are gonna get laid tonight” “Who the fuck is we?” turns into “Alright, party time, I think I will go home at midnight” This may not apply to everyone out there, but I am positive it applies to a lot of people. The whole trick, or fact, to keeping true to yourself and prooving that you really love someone, is how you feel a week from the bad decision you make. If you regret it, you say whats on your mind and end it. Good people know the difference between self control, humanity , and substance abuse. and it is up to them to contemplate and make decisions. Further, it is up to them to conquer their demons so they can be who they are desperately trying to show they are. One more thing, if your sober, your sober…Your you, your not the guy or girl who is thinking about how they are going to get drunk 3 days from now…And what buttons (sadly) they are going to have to push to do so. All men want a good woman, all women want a good man…Its just a matter of finding the right path to be that good man or woman,so you can come home knowing, this is me…This is who I love…I will never go back.

  18. And there is nothing wrong with a trailer girl at all…But lets be honest here, everyone wants someone who seems perfect when they are looking up porno. So again, to not offend anybody who may reside in a trailer, your not ugly to me, your great. It was an example to the HIGH standards that society pushes on everyone, and who everyone can say right now..Yes, I look up big jugs when Im on a date with Mrs. Michigan.

  19. My partner bought a woman a very expensive bouquet of flowers and rang her/texted her, sent photographs…probably met (he wont tell me).
    Then one day when i was feeling low (6month after the “fling”) I told someone what had happened and that I still felt insercure.
    It got back to my partner that I had told this…
    Now he keeps going off “for space” and says he can’t trust me
    ….

  20. Hi all, well cheating is a hard topic, there are obviously the obvious ones. We all know what those are. Realistictly cheating can be in any form with the opposite sex, it all just depends.

    Like for instance, you have a girlfriend, but your trying to decide if you should get together with one of your female friends and you know she likes you more then a friend. Well do you do it or don’t you?

    I think you shouldn’t, even if your partner says it’s ok, because you can’t control the actions of another person and why put yourself in that situation when you know what might happen, the only way that I would see it being ok is if you knew for sure and trusted the fact that that female friend would be ok with you being only just friends, and believe if she is you will know it and if she tells you she is and you do it, it will show it’s self when you get together with her, most likely, unless if she doesn’t things will just be really dull because you know that’s all she’s thinking about and she can’t connect with you about it so in turns if no actions are taken, things might be just boring and you will feel it.

    So like I said, it can take many forms, but then again there is just plain right and wrong that people shouldn’t do even if they don’t have a b/f or g/f..

    I think we all know right and wrong even in relationships, no matter how much we want to justify it or try to change it to our own way…Good luck all..

  21. It’s good to see that everyone thinks as deeply as I about the subject of cheating. Sometimes it boils down to variety being the spice of life. Sometimes it’s easier to treat yourself to a night off from being Mr Perfect rather than splitting up with the woman you really want just to try someone new. But it can be addictive. Or sometimes it’s good old fashioned love that pushes us to it.
    As regards staying faithful there are good men and good women out there but nobody is perfect. Those good guys and dolls have other faults or addictions, eg : gossip, backstabbing, money lovers, self lovers, alcohol, gambling, street fighting. We all have a weakness for something. But cheating is frowned upon more than any, probably because nothing hurts more than a broken heart. Once trust is in doubt things will never be as good as before. Or maybe i don’t know shit.

  22. I think temptation will always be a part of our relationships. I know I have been a perpertrater of no’s 9 & 13 and it still sometimes comes up in our relationship today. It’s kind of like when you break your leg and theres always the risk of breaking the same leg again. Sometimes we break our trust with the people we love and that trust is never a strong as it was originally. In saying this, all humans have the capacity to be healed from the inside just like on the outside and some wounds take longer to heal than others. Even today I still feel myself being tempted by members of the opposite sex even if I know that in reality it couldn’t possibly happen. But I think I have matured enough to know that in life we always have a choice to do what we know is right, which is why I made the effort to search for the answers. And look what I found, a website full of people just like me!

  23. ok. Most people think that cheating is just having sex with someone else other than your partner. I think the above list is all the examples of cheating. I am a newly wed well we been married for only 2 years the first year he went to iraq 2 weeks after we got married. I really think that their is someone else. My husband wont touch me until he wants it. I am only 25 my hormones are racing and I hate to go out there and find someone who will please me. I tried several times talking about this with him, but it always leads into an argurment. We fuck only 2-3 times out of a month. He leaves for iraq 2 more months. I understand that he might have alot on his mine but still aint i allowed to be happy, or satitifed? Wouldnt you think that since he is leaving again he would make love to me when he get a chance? I know I sound like the victim, but i feel like the victim. i dont know i have been getting signs of him cheating. what can i do really. I tried wearing the sexy things, but it dont work.he rather go hang out with his friends. its not right i feel neglected.

  24. It’s pretty sad, but my boyfriend is cheating on me. I’ve been blaming myself that I didn’t do enough for him or I haven’t been there but the truth is, it isn’t me at all. It’s been hard to comprehend that he’s going out double dating with another girl that he knew I didn’t feel comfortable with him talking to. One thing that gets to me is that she and I use to be casual friends– she knew he and I were going out. She knows and she still has the urge to lust for him. And I could just be quiet as I’ve always been and just let things happen to me but I’ve come to understand that one can never change a person; ha and especially him I guess. I’m making a clean cut today and removing him out of my life. He just doesn’t get the pain I go through knowing about the cheating and I simply can’t put up with it anymore. We’ve been going out for almost four years now and well, I guess she can now handle him if she really wants to. I deserve better and I just need the guts now to tell him that.

  25. I believe along the lines of what you said… That its what your partner considers cheating is what is cheating. Some couples have open relationships and freely have sex with others. ANother person could feel that just too long of a glance counts as cheating. This is a subject that should be talked about. Yes its sensitive, but thats many of the reasons relationships fail is everybody is worried about upsetting someone so they dont talk about the important stuff. Resulting from that is a relationship with unclear boundaries that someone my cross. Alot of it is plain common sense. Like you said – would you liek it if your partner was doing what you did or was thinking about what you did? I just found that my ex fiance cheated on me for most of our relationship. I am more hurt that he hid this from me and lied, than him being with another. Just dont cheat. Its not worth it. And if niether of you are cheating, you dont have to worry about STD’s. Sex isnt “with out consequences” ever.

  26. Women and Men are different and see things differently… men arent emotionally attached as some women can be… # 13 we are only human… #16 tricky one…. I would say this, Having a Mental relationship with someone is more dangerous then have a Physical relationsip, because once you are on that type of level nothing else matters…. What if ur married so is your best friend, and fall in love???.. sometimes people dont set out to be unfaithful, it just happens. Often people love their longterm partners but they are not “in love” anymore – they exist like brother and sisters. Life is too short to stay your whole life in a marriage simply out of duty – sometimes people just fall in love with someone else –

  27. My GF just told me her H is cheating on her, albeit internet only. I was married. I cheated on him (before we took the vows), he cheated on me (before we took the vows). We both had a clear understanding that after, the “VOWs”, none of that would be going on, and indeed, we settled in much longer before we finally got married. My point is, don’t mess around. And if you do, do it with someeone who can take it, or who understands what is going on. And remember, life is finite. He died of cancer, and he was covered on my (really good) insurance), and I was really glad about that. Meanwhile, I had our one and only child and she is not confused in anyway about her parentage or how much her parents loved her. That is all I have to say, in a Forrest Gump kind of way, but when you’re fucking around, you really have to think about future impacts and consequences, and how people will be affected, and how the children might feel. For one night of feeling good, it’s just not worth it.

  28. Is it possible to feel love for 2 people at the same time, what if you have sexual relationship with one, but an emotional relationship with another? Its rare to find someone that is compatible in all levels of your life. Some religions promote that a person have more than one lover, are they right or wrong?

  29. Cheating hurts at levels very deep within a person. It doesn’t matter what sex you are, male or female. It seems that when it is a married couple or a couple that has been together for a long time, the person thinks it’s no big deal. Falling out of love with their partner is a lame excuse for their cheating. It means they are looking for a reason to justify it. It doesn’t matter what form of cheating it is they use, and I suppose it can be possible to love two people at the same time. I would say in that case you have to decide who you really love. The one you just met, or the one you have been with for years. Either way, cheating is wrong. How can a person ever trust someone fully again once that bond is broken and the lies have told?

  30. iv been with someone for 2 years and a year in he cheated on me. i found out by reading his phone(something that is not me and i feel ashamed of but i could just tell)i confronted him and he made up some story that i believed. a few weeks later i realised it was still going on. he was ment to be living with me but was never there, always on the phone,texting, no sex,couldnt even look at me, basically not interested and always off doing something. i confronted him again and after two made up stories he told me he started seeing his physiotherapist but only as ‘friends’ i was devistaed, his mum and brother knew, people who i am quite close to.he tryed to dumb the whole friendship down and i stayed with him. but over the past year now i have realised from people, emails, relatives, a christmas card, etc putting pieces together etc i have realised she really fell for him, and i have no idea what went on. i no they met up and he went to her house a number of times and remember the messages she sent him and she really wanted him. he says she knew he was with me but i dont believe that.he has lied to me in the past about silly little things to make him look better, i know he has self issues and i no why he did it, he lost his job, what he wanted since he was little no money etc and he found someone who was interesting and she was someone he could talk to and pretend to not be this broken down man wth nothing. he was flattered but im stuck now.a year on and i am still with him. i love him. i am only 20, third year at uni, very happy person. but im stuck between broken trust, beliefs, trying to let go, wanting to know the truth but not. thinking am i in love or am i being stupid?? the more time ticks away he forgets and i remember. all that i no is cheating hurts like hell but we all do things and choose paths and it has to run its course. cheating boundires depends on who has done it and who has been hurt of course their beliefs will be different

  31. hi would anyone actually class 6 as cheating? i love my boyfriend so much but he wont stop doing number 6, i have spoke to him about it and we both got upset but he told me he wouldnt do it again, but even the very next day he was doing this? should i split with him? should i speak to him again? this really hurts me thinkin of him doing this as he is getting sexually turned on by other people off the internet and they both go on webcam and ‘play’. help me!

  32. ive bin with my boyfriend off and on since we were 15years old, and i’m now 22. in the past he cheated on my over and over agian, so i finaly broke up with him. after about 9 months of being apart, we got back together and ever since then he’s a totaly different person. i trust him and dont think he would ever cheat agian which is all i ever wanted. were currently doing the long distance thing and i only see him about once every month and a half, and he started going out and partying non stop while i was away and not calling…frustrated (although not excusing it) i went out with the girls for the first time in a very long time, and ended up kissing somone else. i’ve NEVER done anything like this before, and its killing me. for about a month prior to this, i told my boyfriend that i didnt know what i wanted anymore, and that i need space, but we never actualy broke up. I wasnt speaking to him really either. i was very mad and fed up with his drinking benders and weekends of not calling and going out 24/7. now that i kissed somone else and realize i might lose my boyfriend over it….i feel like i dont want to be with anyone else and it opened up my eyes and made me realize our relationship is somthing i do want to fight for. what do i do? how do i go about telling him? i just need advice. i’ve never bin on this side of things before and i’m so so scared. :(

  33. I just this mornin caught my husband doin number 6. Maybe its my own fault for going through his phone but i’m absolutely heartbroken. Would anybody else consider this cheating? I’m seriously thinking of leaving him and if it wasn’t for our daughter would have gone already. He says he never met any of the girls but I think that makes it worse if hes willing to do what he did with a stranger! It might not be as bad as actually sleeping with someone else but trust is still broken and as he works away our relationship is doomed!!

  34. 13 in my mind is not cheating. As a woman, I have a hard time having an orgasm without putting my mind in a fantasy place/situation. My partner knows this and likes for me to tell him about my fantasies even if they don’t involve him. I also have no problem in him watching porn and thinking of other ‘fantasy’ girls. I think that is natural and if shared can be a way to be closer by losing some of the jealousy alot of us are consumed with.
    On the other hand, we went through a bad time a couple of years ago where we weren’t communicating. He turned to the internet texting, emailing, sending naked photos and sharing private details of our life and problems with strangers and one girl he knew from high school. He even had phone sex with one girl whom he had never met. I was at fault too for letting our relatinship get to this point but his actions hurt me so badly. I considered it cheating because he was investing emotinal and sexual energy into these other relationships and letting ours suffer. Of course, I was doing the same but in more innocent activites(mindless hobbies and ignoring the problem by spending more time away from home). I do think it was hard for him to give up internet ‘cheating’ simply for the attention/boredom factor but if he didn’t see it as a problem to give up I would have walked out that door without looking back or thinking twice. After much time we are better for what happened. Honesty in a relationship can be uncomfortable at times but with trust and self esteem can make it bigger because you can be your whole self .

  35. I can understand how when a relationship goes sour it can both sides fault. I can even understand how the cheating can occur. I can even see how the relationship can be forgiven and move on. It’s when other factors are involved that make it more difficult. When one party can’t trust the other to fully admit and confess everything even though the one party knows everything. That makes it harder. Still, you know the love is there. It makes it much harder.

  36. I think all this time, my wife has either suppressed\hid, or was simply unaware of her sexuality. I took a lot of abuse at her hands, physically mentally – and shes no ‘lightweight’. After 3 years into the relationship, I found another (ok… and another and another… for about a 2 year period, but keep reading)

    Its 10 + years later, I wish I’d stayed gone.

    This started with her arranging a threesome with a girlfriend. Me, (greedy azz hotdog) jumped right in. What I was not thinking about was the fact that she brought in another woman, and that other woman was the focus of pleasure. It never dawned on me WHY I could never see myself asking her to add another guy. I’m completely straight (no offense to anyone who’s not, of course).

    When I thought of all the physical attacks, verbal put-downs, nights out til the next morning, all the whispering ‘closet’ phone calls and secret codes, how she continued to drive me for HER success, I am now ready to bail for good.

    What sucks is that an ‘abusive’ personality rubs off… this is EXPERIENCE talking – from a guy who LOVES his Mother, never in a million years did I think I’d cheat on my love, or physically hurt her because I cant take being hurt lightly any more (she’s been smart enough to ‘tap’ instead of ‘kingdom come’ punch these recent years). It was only cheating because I CAME BACK (something about staying for the kids and besides, I loved her). Anyways, now I have a Domestic Violence charge on my record which is …. ARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!! I can’t believe it.

    Worst of all, she has me completely surrounded… YES, the stories of a manipulative, cunning, and controlling woman CAN BE TRUE… I’m living it right now. I have several ‘suspected to be gay/bi’ co-workers including my former, direct boss, all of whom I could never prove in a court of law KNOW my wife. Parties where people either intentionally talk just within earshot, or dont think I hear them… I mean she is a real DEVILISH & EVIL SICK PERSON. Sometimes I fear what *might happen to me* should I leave. She has ALL the cards of the deck in her hand, and I am completely fucked in the eyes of law… my life literally RAPED from me by her.
    Theres no doubt that I will most likely have to leave the city I live in once she receives the divorce papers, and I have kids with her. I’m not even sure I can AFFORD to leave – not just monetarily, but the emotional ties to the kids and all.

    With that said, if you are cheated on, or if you are the cheater, find out what it is that is hurting your relationship before you waste years trying to cope with something that you cannot fix. IT IS ASKING TO BE DAMAGED, and SLOWLY over time. Your sense of value and self-esteem will be crushed by someone like this whether male or female. As a male though, I did what I think most would… suck it up. After all you have a family right?

    No… You have been sentenced for life. And your ability to trust severely hampered by the person you thought you’d spent the rest of your life with. I cannot even put this into words.

    If you are contemplating cheating, KNOW that its because you are missing something, or something is THERE that you don’t recognize. Talk to your partner and find out what it is… It can save you tons of guilt, and it can save the other person the heart-ache while saving both of you from a slow roasting.

    Lastly, if you’re a man, go to abusedmen.com and just check out the info. It was months ago when I first visited the site, but it gave me inspiration to finally let go. The abuse doesnt stop folks, it just changes form (in my case “I dont need you since I have all these friends and they are just waiting to take your spot”.. these friends are most likely lesbian lovers… hell could be gay men too as far as I know)…. And that is JUST REAL.

  37. I think all this time, my wife has either suppressed\hid, or was simply unaware of her sexuality. I took a lot of abuse at her hands, physically mentally – and shes no ‘lightweight’. After 3 years into the relationship, I found another (ok… and another and another… for about a 2 year period, but keep reading)

    Its 10 + years later, I wish I’d stayed gone.

    This started with her arranging a threesome with a girlfriend. Me, (greedy azz hotdog) jumped right in. What I was not thinking about was the fact that she brought in another woman, and that other woman was the focus of pleasure. It never dawned on me WHY I could never see myself asking her to add another guy. I’m completely straight (no offense to anyone who’s not, of course).

    When I thought of all the physical attacks, verbal put-downs, nights out til the next morning, all the whispering ‘closet’ phone calls and secret codes, how she continued to drive me for HER success, I am now ready to bail for good.

    What sucks is that an ‘abusive’ personality rubs off… this is EXPERIENCE talking – from a guy who LOVES his Mother, never in a million years did I think I’d cheat on my love, or physically hurt her because I cant take being hurt lightly any more (she’s been smart enough to ‘tap’ instead of ‘kingdom come’ punch these recent years). It was only cheating because I CAME BACK (something about staying for the kids and besides, I loved her). Anyways, now I have a Domestic Violence charge on my record which is …. ARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!! I can’t believe it.

    Worst of all, she has me completely surrounded… YES, the stories of a manipulative, cunning, and controlling woman CAN BE TRUE… I’m living it right now. I have several ‘suspected to be gay/bi’ co-workers including my former, direct boss, all of whom I could never prove in a court of law KNOW my wife. Parties where people either intentionally talk just within earshot, or dont think I hear them… I mean she is a real DEVILISH & EVIL SICK PERSON. Sometimes I fear what *might happen to me* should I leave. She has ALL the cards of the deck in her hand, and I am completely fucked in the eyes of law… my life literally RAPED from me by her.
    Theres no doubt that I will most likely have to leave the city I live in once she receives the divorce papers, and I have kids with her. I’m not even sure I can AFFORD to leave – not just monetarily, but the emotional ties to the kids and all.

    With that said, if you are cheated on, or if you are the cheater, find out what it is that is hurting your relationship before you waste years trying to cope with something that you cannot fix. IT IS ASKING TO BE DAMAGED, and SLOWLY over time. Your sense of value and self-esteem will be crushed by someone like this whether male or female. As a male though, I did what I think most would… suck it up. After all you have a family right?

    No… You have been sentenced for life. And your ability to trust severely hampered by the person you thought you’d spent the rest of your life with. I cannot even put this into words.

    If you are contemplating cheating, KNOW that its because you are missing something, or something is THERE that you don’t recognize. Talk to your partner and find out what it is… It can save you tons of guilt, and it can save the other person the heart-ache while saving both of you from a slow roasting.

    ****
    Lastly, if you’re a man, go to abusedmen.com and just check out the info. It was months ago when I first visited the site, but it gave me inspiration to finally let go; put the truth that I’d been ignoring right in my face. The abuse doesnt stop folks, it just changes form (in my case “I dont need you since I have all these friends and they are just waiting to take your spot”… these friends are most likely lesbian lovers… hell could be gay men too as far as I know)…. And that is JUST REAL.

    Women in this type of relationship… well, you have an abundance of resources… USE THEM!!

    Wanna talk anytime (because I NEED to talk)… immenentchange@gmail.com

  38. Hi everybody!
    I find all your comments very interesting. Is hard for me to explain my situation, I feel quite the same as Tom nº28. A cheater, as you would say. However, I doubt if I truly love my couple, ex-couple from yesterday. I have deep feelings for him but I feel very attracted to other boys, indeed I think I felt in love with someone else (what only makes the situation harder, because this boy is from another country). I don’t feel I did something wrong because all I did was what I felt in the moment; I’m talking about feelings, not animal instincts. Think about this: on the first hand I feel like spending my whole life with my ex couple, he is my family, my best friend, everything, on the other hand I am in love with this boy, he brought light into my life, Im feeling kissing him most of the time, I miss him and I cry for him when he is far. Cheater is a bad word for such pure feelings. At the moment, the best I can do is to don’t have couple, I don’t want to hurt anybody, maybe when I get old and my body just can’t resist having so deep feelings for few special persons. I do know how the feeling of being cheated is, but I don’t want to betray myself that’s definitively worse. What I mean is that everyone in here should think about their own dreams, feelings and live, not the couple/boyfriend ones. In my opinion this is why to be cheated hurts so bad, because you have betrayed to your self. Just dont forget to be happy… and remember any negative feeling has its possitive one.

  39. if i love someone it is unconditional, i would never impose all these rules and take away their freedom. what she does when she is not with me is up to her. and i would never allow anyone to impose rules on me.

    do you want to live in freedom or slavery?

    do you want to live in dreams or reality?

    wake up people!!!!!!!!!

    (by the way number 13 is the worst)

  40. Cheating is a difficult topic cos everyone has different views, but rather than think what cheatin is why not what cheatin isnt. If a relationship is one were no one is a cheat is this not one that is based on trust and each person being secure. i also think that a cheat is someone who feels guilty about somethin they have done and therefore wheather someone is a cheat or not depends on the individual and also ther partner. For example if you go for a drink with someone without telling your partner i think this would only b seen as cheatin if the person who goes for the drink feels guilty becasue they obviously are not jus goin for a drink with this person on a friendship level as they wudnt see anythin wrong with it.if i went for a drink with a girl friend an never told my partner he wudnt think anythin of it an so y shud this b differnet for the opposite sex, well if ther is trust in the relationship then it shudnt b any different, shud it!?

  41. RE: free man in paris

    OK… first, let me be clear in that my love IS unconditional. Regardless of what I\WE have been through, I could NEVER stop loving her. We have had some wonderful times, and 3 lives added to this world. She is, and hopefully will be MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER, we have just evolved into people who clearly know what they expect from life. I would rather us both have what we need to be happy… she needs to be ‘free’ and I dont want her to feel like I have her ‘living in slavery’.

    By your comment, it seems that honor, trust, and fidelity have a different meaning to you… and hey thats fine IF your wife\girl\so can agree to it. Shucks, I’M A MAN… You don’t think I’d like to run through a few dozen women for the sake of ‘living life to the fullest’? I don’t for the sake of commitment, and she couldn’t handle it if I started ‘following my desires’. YES, I LOOK at other women, and YES, I’m even a bit flirty, BUT, I keep my tools in the toolbox. Funny, even though I believe in just the two of us, now that I feel like I understand what she needs, I’d do it with her, but not even that is acceptable to her on what I think are fair terms. I suggested WE find another woman together, because the particular woman she likes is married to a guy I know – I KNOW HIM… and even though we aren’t best friends, there is just an unspoken boundary there. Hell I’d say find one that wants to have a poly lifestyle – and her refusal, to me, shows a selfishness on her part. That is MY REALITY.

    I realize this is a very touchy subject, and depending on your personal background, the fact that you are married just means you take care of your house, pay your bills, and when you\they need something you\they provide it – you enjoy the time you have together. It may not mean keeping your private parts reserved for the other person.

    Ok… so… what to do about this? I’ve been given a choice to make. I can accept that what we do when we’re not together as our ‘own business’ – as long as we’re doing whats necessary for the household and each other. Or, I can do what I think is right, go to work, concentrate on the household and whats needed there, including her as my wife. Or, I can walk away… based on she’s going to do what she wants regardless of what I think.

    And don’t get this wrong. I love her deeply… but how can a person be expected to give that level of freedom, one-way. Is it because its other women that I should just ‘be cool’ about it? Any idea of what I might think the next time she’s out till the next day? What will I think the next time I want intimacy, and she doesn’t? What will I think the minute she harps on me for being late from work? If she loses her cool in a temper-tantrum, then disappears, what will I think? It’s like I understand what all this comes from now.

    Its a tough choice. What do YOU think, ‘free man in paris’?

  42. I can understand sometimes we women are fickle as all get out. Decisions, Maybe she feels the way she does because she never heard all this from you. Have you ever told her any of this directly?
    Or do you just assume she is going to understand because you say so?

    Maybe she has thoughts on the subject you have never listened to, and maybe she is scared. Scared she is going to hurt you. I know when you are atttracted to both sexes it can be a very delicate balance and you don’t want to hurt your partner. I wouldn’t give up so easily on her. Try to listen to your partner. Maybe she is more willing than yo think. Maybe she just wants more openness and honesty about what you really are looking for…

    Have you ever looked without her knowing? How would you feel if things were reversed? That’s probably why she is now scared of the whole idea and is backing away from it. Not because it doesn’t turn her on or excite her, but because you shut her out of the whole idea.
    The whole experience. I know if it were me, and I feel in love or like with another, I would want my partner to meet her. It’s called being open and honest.

    I guess it all depends on what you want in a relationship. Honesty and good times that will last or slavery and boredom. Sounds like maybe you both want the same thing Decisions. Maybe you two should talk.

    I know I have feelings for both sexes. My spouse knows it. We have a hard time discussing it, everytime we try, it comes to a weird end.

    Give it a try. You might be surprised. I wish mine would.

  43. hello,
    i have a little question. my gf went on a band trip and did stuff with another boy. at first all she did was play strip poker. she lied about how far she went down to(going down to only her pants). i was a bit mad, but then i found out that she kissed another boy. first it was, “just a kiss”, but then it turned to making out. we had just broke up, me doing the breaking up, but we were hanging out everyday after work. she told me she loved me, and i told her i loved her. she ways she did it because i had made her mad. i guess i just dont know what to do. i need some help please! : (

  44. me and my boyfriend have been together for like 8 or 9 months. he’s in a alot of trouble right now with the law. so the police said we can’t see each other for a little. i miss him alot and i thought i loved him. but now that we havin hung out in like 2 or 3 months i really feel like i don’t love him no more. i’m in new york for the next 3 months for the summer and i’m back with one of my ex’s. my boyfriend(scott) thinks that i’m going to be by his side throught everythings with the police and the law. i’m back in love with my ex and everytime i try to break up with scott i can’t he makes me feel like shit.

  45. i want to be their for my babii scott but i can’t anymore. i’m not given up i just can’t do it anymore. sometimes i have to talk to police and lawery for him. i’m only a teenager. i have my whole life. i need help alot. i’m in love with my ex. chris now and we’ve been together for like 2 months now. me and scott have not seen each other in that long. i don’t cheat i think its wrong. so i really need to break up with someone. HELP PLEASE

  46. I am in a serious relationship with a guy. I talk to one of my male coworkers on a regular basis and since we met I could tell he liked me/was interested. He would make it EXTREMELY obvious that he likes me. I would talk to him in a friendly way and share a lot of personal information about my life and relationship with my bf with him. I kinda badtalked my bf and told him all the problems in our relationship. He has kinda backed off with the flirtiness since he sees that he doesnt really have a chance with me, but we still talk a lot. We are basically friends now. Is this cheating? I am very worried and I feel really bad.

  47. HI there,

    In defence of men… not all guys are dogs, and not all guys who have had a close call to ‘cheating’ are bad.

    Yeah, my first boyfriend of 4 and half years was all those ‘things’. He cheated on a girl to be with me, we cheated on me and now that he’s married with a 3month old baby, he cheats on his wife… repeat offender… idiot. Although there are some situations where circumstance does come into play:

    My boyfriend went travelling alone while he was in a long term relationship that had gone bad for the last year of their relationship. He was extremely unhappy; the situation was that they lived in a small town where everyone’s talking shit about everyone.

    We meet on his travels; yeah we kissed… hypothetically he ‘cheated’. I think that deep down before he’d even left, she knew it was over. After a week he left me to continue his travels, he broke up with her. It took for him to meet someone he felt comfortable with and close to, to realise an unhappy relationship was not what he wanted.

    I think that it’s unfair to say, ‘if a woman cheats while in love, it shows…..’, although for a man, ‘he’s a complete asshole’, THE JUDGE OF JUDGES. Not nice!

    Yes, he should have done the right thing and broken things off with her before he left but I don’t think that what he did was so bad that he should be classed as an asshole forever and never trusted again.

    He was completely honest with me about her and told her he’d kissed me, this is a case of circumstance now everyone in the town has blamed him for their break because ‘he’s a cheater’, instead of it being that she is an unhappy, control freak. He came back to stay with me before he finished his travels and I’m so glad that he did. I thought that I was the only person on the planet that was capable of being 100% honest and trusting, he’s much more honest than me, an amazing communicator and I have no doubt in my mind that he would eva be dishonest or unfaithful.

  48. i think that if people are gonna decide to be together than no form of cheating should be going on at all……think about it, if you and ur partner were to go on for years and years and one day you found out they were cheating…..that could mess a persons life up…i think its a waste of time for people to cheat on their partners, otherwise, why should they even be together in the first place. i love my baby girl and i hope and pray to god she’ll never cheat on me ever. i think people should only get one chance when it comes to cheating. getting cheated on is the scariest thing that could ever happen in a relationship. but im gonna trust my baby girl with all my heart and just live day to day trying not to ever have to worry.

    thanks for listining, ya boi Timbo

  49. Cheating is cheating… weather you do it on Mars or right next to your lover in bed. I agree with the points up above. What people don’t understand is “Once trust is Broken, things will never be the same again” to get it back you will have to try twice as hard. You may try to glue things together, but once it’s gone it’s gone. They may say they trust you but deep down, the thought always crosses their mind.

    The only way to get trust back is to get our knees and beg, also love them beyond what you usually do. If not, you don’t love them. Just let them go. They deserve better

    The best solution: “Prevention is better than cure.”

    If you find yourself cheating before you get married, believe me you will cheat after you do. Cause lets face it, taking vows does not means anything, it’s just a title… it’s like saying you know how drive, when you have never taking a driving lesson. You work at it and become better. Otherwise a “Leopard can never change its spots…”

    Finally what goes around comes around…..

  50. I’ve been in a relationship for 6 years now, with a view to get married to this person, lets call her person A… I then met a girl (person B) in her final year of university, at first I literally hated her guts, but then we realised we had many issues in common, and we became very close… She finished university and we kept in touch, more or less everyday… But during this time I was still very much in love with A… B has a boyfriend, with whom I get along with very well, and I do like spending time with the guy aswell… 6 months down the line, without realising what was going on, in November, B told me that she had fallen in love with me and can’t stop thinking about me… I found this very shocking, but a day later and I had realised that I was also in the same position… I had now a girlfriend whom I am practically bound to person A, and also an admirer, person B, who had a boyfriend… It has been 7 months since that day, and we are still in the same position, however my love for B has grown stronger and stronger, but at the same time I find it very difficult to let go of A with whom I have been with for 6 years, and B finds it difficult to let go of her boyfriend with whom she has been with for 2 years now… The problem we face is the fact that we are of different religions, I myself and her do not have a problem but the parents do… People are quick to frown upon the person who cheats but what feelings are they going through, I feel very, very, very guilty, but I cant let go of either A or B… With whom, I am very much in love with… And B is in the very same situation…

  51. i am very deeply in love with this girl, long story everything was fine so i proposed and she said no, i know she just got out a messy relationship (marriage), but we,ve been dating for a year and ahalf, to say the least these crushed me to bits , how do i rekindle the spark and glow we had when we met?

  52. Comment to Anonymous, I probably don’t fully understand what you going thru, but one thing I can tell you for a fact is, I don’t think it is possible to be in romantically in love with two people at the same time. Its either what you saw in person B is lacking in person A, but jus because she does it better than A does not mean you truly love her. The misconception that the world has to day is love has been reduced to emotions and sex… but actually love is an “Action”: A decision to be with someone, no matter how you feel. (Cause the feels will go) We all have to decide at one point or another who we want to spend the rest of our life with, Just because you choose A over B or B over A, either way, its alright.

    But…What you need ask yourself is worth it to give up what you have built up with A, for Six years with what you built with B for….

    I have learned one thing in life, “Never trust you heart “(when it come to Love), uses your head, cause when the feeling of being in love disappears (which it will), the only thing that will keep you together is your friendship and confidence you have in the other person.

  53. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. I have another guy who I go out with, just to spend time with. I’ve always liked him, even before I met my current bf. We’ve never kissed, but frequently text. He knows how I feel about him.

    Is that cheating?

  54. I’ve been married for 18 years and found out last year my husband has been using prostitutes on and off all those years. No, I had no idea, because he came home every night for dinner. We didn’t communcate to each other, but I was faithful all those years.We have been in psychotherapy every week for the past year.
    But, I just can’t forgive or forget how he has killed our marriage
    and yes, I feel like I am DEAD. I’ve tried to not think of him with all the different whores he did, never the same one twice, he never found one that was any good, he said it was terrible and he could have done it better himself, yet he paid the whores and then came home and ate the dinner I cooked and got in our bed all those years.
    I learned so much, that just because your husband doesn’t come home late doesn’t mean he not cheating on you (#1 on your list, hookers)
    I blame the hookers just as much as him, they know these are mostly married men, that go to church, help at school and soccer games but yet the use whores at lunch time or leave work early to do them.
    I have lost my faith in church, in men and in women that would sell their bodies and let men degrade them so. He will never have the love I had for him before I found out…My life is over on this earth
    I have no trust in anyone. If you want have sex with whores then why bother to get married and have children. I hate that he had children with me, while he was doing whores. Yes, I have to go back for another HIV/AIDS test and HPV test(Pasted just by skin contact.)
    He has tried everything to win me back, but he never will, he made that choice with the first whore he did. Please reply if you have been cheated on by prostitutes (this is not an affair) it is not a realtionship he wanted just the sex, he said he thought he deserved it, because he couldn’t talk to me. Please help me, I am so sick of thinking of him with all the hookers.

  55. Thanks for the blog, i have a question. what if your husband loves you and will always be there with you and for you forever. what if he wants to expericne another girl for one night. how do you react to that and what should i do.

  56. Oh no no no no no.
    Just say NO.
    That is the slippery slope down into an absolute relationship breakdown.
    How would he react if you wanted the same thing?
    In theory you could coldly analyse the situation and say okay, well we’ve been together a long time and it’s dull for him and he wants to try someone else…
    Or He’s only ever had sex with me and he’s curious… Or he has a strong attraction to this woman and it’ll get it out of his system…
    NO!
    Ew!
    Are any of these the scenarios?
    Firstly if it’s getting dull sex with someone else will only make matters worse and whatever you tell yourself at the time to make it alright will be totally thrown out the window when he’s ACTUALLY had sex with her. You will find yourself playing it over and over again in your mind, wondering how they kissed, how they undressed each other, if she was better than you, what he felt, what he said, if he wonders if he’d be better off with her, if he thinks of that night when he’s back and having sex with you. Was she thinner than you, prettier than you, more adventurous than you.
    You will end up insecure and feeling violated and worthless. All because of a aggressively unreasonable request from him.
    YUK!
    Find another way to satisfy each others needs. Dress up like someone else and meet him at a bar… Change what it is you do in bed, go to counselling. Anything.
    Bringing another person into the mix will never solve what’s going on in your relationship with each other. It’ll just destroy it and your relationship will no longer have the absolute integrity it does now.
    All women deserve fidelity. Some men cheat and lie and will never change.
    They are not a prize worth having. Leave them to the kind of women who don’t mind sleeping with other women’s husbands and don’t mind tearing father’s away from their children.
    Those sorts of people deserve each other and kind hearted faithful people deserve to be treated with respect and love and dignity.
    What an arse.

  57. Oh and for Heartbroken,
    I sympathise with you.
    My husband slept with other women for years.
    I ignored all the signs, but they really only became obvious to me after I had found out about the last one.
    Some men have affairs or sleep with other people. They like the way it makes them feel. Boosts their ego, or fills some bizarre need.
    Men can make excuse like saying they have needs. We ALL have needs.
    I had sex with my husband several times a week and yet he still went elsewhere.
    He was just a complete and utter cheater, always had been.
    I only noticed because he fell in love with the last one, and as women we tend to pick up on that kind of thing.
    Prostitutes or whatever, they’re all whores. I would NEVER sleep with someone elses husband.
    I would imagine her and her kids and her feelings being destroyed, and not do it.
    Here’s a good sign… ask your husband if he’s cheating. If he laughs before he answers he definitely is.
    Liars often laugh scornfully at your fears to make you feel paranoid and give them more time to think up an answer. And really if you have to ask, you probably suspect something’s up, and if you suspect it’s happening it most likely is. Follow your gut instinct.
    I have three children now on my own. I have sold our family home that we built, and moved to a very poor area. My children now go to a different school and I support us financially.
    I had a nervous breakdown after he left and was on Prozac for a year and battled feelings of absolute despair.
    I thought I was a revolting human being that no one could love, that I was worthless and I wanted to die.
    I was 7 months pregnant when he went.
    He had told me that my appearance disgusted him.
    Well I got through it.
    I went to counselling, I picked myself up and got on with it.
    I lost all the pregnancy weight, went to the gym and look and feel fantastic. I do design work from home and look after my three gorgeous and happy kids, and go out and have a ball when he has the kids for his weekend.
    I have no boyfriend, but I get chatted up lots (mostly younger men) but I want to meet the right guy so I’m in no hurry.
    I have a large network of friends who are supportive and caring.
    I have strengthened friendships I neglected whilst being “married” and have made new friends and for the first time in years feel really connected to them.
    I have become the adventurous carefree woman I was before I met him and it’s great.
    He still lives with his last “affair” and is incredibly unhappy. Boohoo!
    Where I used to be jealous of her I now just feel like they deresve each other.
    I know that this is a different experience to Heartbroken, but at the end of the day, you too deserve happiness and you need to pick yourself up and go and get it.
    Find out what it is in life that you’re passionate about and do it.
    If it’s books then join a literary group, whatever, for me it’s music and painting. I paint now and have a massive collection of music and go see my favourite local groups all the time.
    Your life will get better. Concentrate on you and your children.
    Make yourself a priority for once.
    Do things that bring you joy.
    Your children will see this lively vibrant woman and respect and love you all the more.
    Learn from this. Ask yourself what you would do in life if you NEVER meet another man and start to live that. Build yourself an amazing life that someone else will one day add to, but if it doesn’t work out, you will still be left with a rich and full life.
    I wanted friendships, my children to be happy and feel loved, my art, to get a dog, a modest house and have FUN. I have all that now. Two years later.
    What do YOU want?
    Don’t let yourself be defined by this thing happening to you. Dont be defined by biiterness.
    Trust people, and ask people for help when you need it.
    You’ll get through it.

  58. Karin,thank you for taking the time to listen to me(Heartbroken) The funny thing is we have so much in common. I lost 30 pounds in about 4 months after I first found out. I too do design work from home.
    And my last dog passed away 3 years ago, and I just finally got my new puppy 2 months ago. (she is the love of my life)She is the only thing that makes me smile these days. I have two children also. Since the day I found out, my husband has done everything I asked him to do, he wants to SAVE our marriage and says how sorry and wrong what he did for so many years. The only way I would let him stay is to promised if he ever wanted to do anything like that again , THAT HE WOULD PROMISE NOT TO EVER TO RETURN TO OUR HOME, THERE IS NO SECOND CHANCE IN HIS CASE, AND HE KNOWS I MEAN IT.(he can not unlock the computer and go on line to pick out what hooker he would like to call, he said the web made it so, so
    easy to find a hooker these days.So if he ever wants to find one again he can, but not in our house and our computer that our kids use every day.
    (My 13 year old son , was the first to find his PORN hookers on line, when he didn’t delete the history)…My son came crying to me saying he knew what his father was doing and HE WOULD NEVER EVER TRUST HIM AGAIN!he finally got sloppy after so many years.

    The first thing I asked when I found the the price, address and phone number was “Do you love her?” He laughed out loud. He couldn’t believe that I would really think he could love a whore! He said “NO, it was just for paid sex and it was always bad,they all looked used up and never like the pictures they post, they just want to get you off and get the money”. He said he, always left felling bad and dirty and that it wasn’t even good sex, he said he could have done a better job doing himself!

    Well, I got the phone records for that year, so I know every
    whore he called, he said that most don’t even answer or call back. But he just kept calling till he found one. The same day I found the list I also
    found a Post Office box key. He said he didn’t have a post office box
    but later I found out he did and opened it(I thought it was for porn) but, No it was papers to a secret bank account a half million
    dollars in just his name, set up the day after my little daughter’s birthday and 6 days before my birthday! I can’t remember what he gave me that year, but it wasn’t $500,000.00.
    He said it was for HIM incase we ever got divorced and he thought we were going to soon. He said I pushed him away all the time,
    thousands for times over the years and YES, I did he was so “cockey” and “unromantic” bad breath, and not taking a shower on the week ends that he was a turn off to me…He would come up to me and say “I’m going to get some of this tonight”….That doesn’t put me in the mood it was demeaning! I told him if he would have tried as hard with me as he did calling whores, he wouldn’t have to even ask me!When I wanted to be I WAS MORE THAN HE COULD EVEN HANDLE!!!(THOSE WERE HIS WORDS)But he did not work on our relationship, becuase it took time and he just want a quick fix. Then my advice is NOT to get married and have kids…then you can PAY as many whores for sex as you want, becuase you can’t get it for FREE! HOW PATHETIC CAN YOU BE????? LOSER…….

    Well, there is so much more to my story, I take 3 different
    pills a day (1 for depression,1 for the flash backs of thinking of him in bed with the whores and what they did and one to make me sleep all night long without waking up, because I even had dreams about it. Oh, everthing is my name now and the half of million is in a joint account, I made him pay $20,000.00 for a vacation condo I bought in Hawaii (found out he was with a whore days before we went there. I bought it in my name only, because I had started to work again and could afford to make the payments, anyway at the bank that day we switched a back account, I told the lady to write out a check for $10,000.00 in my name only. I figured I earned just as much as his whores did over 20 years, I got more then he ever pay them.
    I still remember the look on his face when the bank lady looked at him, with a okay to write the check, he just just shaked his head in agreement. That was a year and half ago, I spend the money on what ever I feel like, and he doesn’t ever know, just like I didn’t know what he was spending it on. (I gave $1,000.00 to our pastor,
    a $1,000.00 to the Humane Society in our county and $1,000.00 to my maid for her birthday.

    It feels so good to let all this out
    becuase you see, no ones knows what he did to me! I could have got him fired form his job of 25 years for what he did, his Mother just think’s I’m a bitch but it would kill her (80 years old) if she had to tell family WHY we would get a divorce. I have no family (all died when I was young) No one to talk to about it, but to one girlfriend, who’s husband did it to her, but he said he loved the women.

    See it is so hard for me to FORGIVE and FORGET because he just wanted whore sex and risked my health and the health of our two children when they were born (we both have Herpes for years now, and I was never with anyone else for 18 years, SO WHERE DID I GET IT FROM “the dirty Whores” and my dirty husband! I know who the last two whores are and I was going to name them both in the divorce papers, bet that would hurt their business….he would loose his job to if I did. All I want is to warn and help other women who don’t have a clue what their husbands are really doing to them…

    In New York, Washington, D.C. and etc…there is something called “JOHN SCHOOL” so if you get arrested with a hooker, Law enforcement let’s you go to “JOHN SCHOOL” and it says on the web site “YOUR WIFE NEVER NEEDS TO FIND OUT”….HOW DARE THEY MAKE A STATEMENT LIKE THAT….That’s what I want the women that have been CHEATED ON to know about….Let’s help each other it’s not FAIR not to know that your husband gets back in your bed, after he HAS BEEN WITH A WHORE that could have an STD and then you get your DEATH SENTENCE! Reply if you want to think how we can help the unknowing WIVES that are being CHEATED ON!
    Thanks! “Heartbroken” but FIGHTING BACK!

  59. It sounds to me like too much has happened for your marriage to work ever again.
    I got back with my husband four times. I was so devastated I would do anything to keep him. I didn’t fall out of love.
    Each time it was obvious he didn’t want to be back until the last time. It seemed he had come to his senses and we were on the right tract. He was very loving etc…
    He went over to the states for business and when he came back he got on my computer and left his hotmail logged in.
    That was when I found pictures of him and his girlfriend having sex.
    He was sitting in the family room and I logged on and saw the open hotmail and had a look.
    He had NOT gone to the States but gone to Italy on holiday with HER.
    I actually almost laughed out loud.
    I tranfered all the money over from our joint account. Printed out their sexual conversations and the photos. Emailed the photos to a remote site of mine. And confronted him about it.
    He tried lying even though I was holding evidence.
    I totally fell out of love then and there. It was SO liberating.
    He was VERY angry and upset that I had the cheek to tell him to leave. And kept trying to get me back after that.
    But I realised I no longer was able to tell if he was lying or telling the truth.
    And I didn’t love him.
    I realised I ran round after him ALL DAY and he never helped me, that my work load would decrease with him gone, that my stress would decrease, that I would be able to do things to just please myself.
    He was very demanding sexually, but never affectionate in a loving way. He was say awful things about how boring I was, but then expect me to have sex with him. He always watched porn first to get himself off.
    I am SO GLAD to be on my own now.
    (see aren’t they similar?)
    I honestly think there is SO much hurt for you to wade through that you’ll never be able to do it.
    I believe if you take someone back it has to be for BOTH of you to be happy. And you would be so resentful that you would both be very distant. How could you NOT be resentful?
    The thing is there are some amazing people out there who would love you in the way you want to be loved, and that doesn’t seem to be him.
    If you’re to move on you need to make a decision about whetehr there is any chance at all you both can fix it. But I think you’ve been trying for a while?
    I don’t think we can ever stop cheating. If men want to they will. There are always ways, the internets just one of them.
    I think that the most positive thing you can do is heal yourself, through friends, your kids, just taking your dog for a walk and loving life.
    The ultimate revenge is to live a happy life without them.
    :-)

  60. Nice board, good to see a nice place to let some of this out.

    I had a relationship with a girl who I adored. She is 22 and I am 26, but our age never seem to hurt anything at all. We were together for over 3 years. We were so compatible it was crazy. Same music, same thoughts on people, life, relationships, sex.. You name it. We were about as good as it gets. For a long time she helped me out when I was down on money and I did what I could to keep trying to find a real job. Finnaly my boat came in. I was offered a GREAT job doing what I love. And on top of that, it’s in the beautiful state of california. She was cool with this and pushed me to go for it. She had to finnish up school for 2 more months in Chicago and then she would be out. I thought it was a really great plan to end our money problems and just worry about one another and loving eachother. But here’s where things go sour.

    She was starting to enjoy that nightlife fun with new friends out there. I had no problem, we alwayse promissed to be faithful. And when you really love someone and you know they do to, you don’t have that worry of cheating. You trust them. She called me a couple of time to tell me how guys make passes at her and what not, but not to worry. So I was proud. She was looking for an internship in california. That would complete her schooling. But she calls one day and says, I got an internship here in chicago and have to stay 3 mor months.. I was sad, But I let it go.. Because I care about what she needs and don’t wanna mess up any of her moves. I had allready dragged her ass to chicago from michigan. So If we were to move again, It would only be once more.

    This is where things start to go down hill. She still called me everyday, and we alwayse talked. So I could see this change happening. She would go out with her friends more and more. I would get drunk calls about how all the guys wanna screw her and what not, but she stayed strong. So I asked her when the date was she was gonna be here and her answer started to change over time. It went from 2 months to 3 more months to “I Don’t Know” . So of course I’m getting scared.

    She calls me a few nights ago and explains to me how she had “made out” with another man. And she had the bite mark on her neck to prove it. Her first reation was to blame be for my lack of comunication and alogations of neglect. But it’s harder to do things like that across the US. She did not tell me much about the insident of course. But she tried to explain it was an accident and it just happened and she was sorry. She was drunk, so right then and there I could have probobly forgiven her if she ment it.

    But then I did something stupid and decided to snoop her myspace to see if there is more to the story. Turns out she kept in contact with this guy the next day. She told him how she thought our relationship was getting rocky and she thought It might not work and she may not move out here. She also explains to him that she enjoyed the kiss and it seemed like If I would have been ok with it she would invite him again. She told him “It was the freeest I’v felt in three damn years”. And also told he if you wanna be friends or more or whatever, you got my number now.

    I confronted her and made her explain the letters “which I still have”. It seemed that every line that hurt me, she had some way of making it seem like she ment something else. They didn’t mean it like anyone would read them and think they would mean. I feel like she is affraid now to tell me the absolute truth. I feel like she working around it the best she can not to say how she really felt in that point in time.

    I talked to friends and family for advise. They all said the same thing, leave her. So I called her up and broke it off. We both quickly became devistated. And now she is ready for me she says, she is beating herself up and wants to continue our life.

    So, any advise people, any experience with this. What should I do.

  61. Sorry – no, must be loads though surely?
    I found the best thing for me was to go and see a counsellor on my own. One that didn’t just listen and make comments like “I hear your pain” or scribble on a pad. But one that had conversations with you, offered advise and practical things for me to do.

  62. Thanks Karin,
    I still see my therapist every other week (I use to go every week for the last year after I found out) We go as a couple to her also every other week (use to be every week)and he just stop going to his therapist last month. He went every week for over a year.
    My therapist and my best friend SAVE my life… When I first found out! I have found out alot about myself…but still it bothers me how I didn’t know for over 18 years? Because he came home every night.
    I still beat myself up about not know what’s out in the REAL world and how the hookers are everywhere all over in internet…..
    I learned alot how they play the game and have turn in many of them.
    The chance of the spread of STD’s and HPV(from skin to skin contact that can lead to cervical cancer is not know by alot of people
    (I know the hookers sure don’t know about HPV (maybe when the start
    dropping dead from cervical cancer they will pass the word around.
    I want to help other women that have found out about a cheating husband……but mine did it with hookers!I don’t want wives to think that their husband’s are really good when they are really cheating on them!!!
    Well, nice to hear from you, and I’m happy you have a good life now.
    I bet you are far away from the US?
    Keep in touch!

  63. when anyone does something to satisfy the urges that they have, lets call them “ego’s” as most people do have them, its understandable that what is mostly noted here is what 75% of most would call flirting.. that is the bases of all people who screw up any realationship. I can tell you that I have seen and heard most of what is posted and then some. It’s a simple no brainer that when your partner confides in anyone of the opposite sex about you or your relaionship they are only using this as a “gateway” to hear and see the reaction of the other. why? they have a interest in the person that they are sharing this information with. Its not a win win thing .. most is lust driven or just bad judgement blamed commonly on alcohol! I was in a relationship for many years hell 2 decades, ended alot later than it should of but I can say with honesty that none of these things did I do (even though the other more than needed to be brought to his knees for the crap quailty of the whole ordeal over 18 years) I have never confided in anyone but my self, I tend to think most of the day of things others say and on a analitical level. We all have out radar on at all times even in the best of relationships, but as pointed out cheating is cheating and sooner or later some prick or snatch will bring you down to the point of lack of trust in all things, if you cant trust your partner not to cheat on you and you love them, then who in the hell can you trust? just touching anothers hair is cheating its a sign of interest, and the touching is just a moral weakness that one is willing to cross for reasons of their own. When caught cheating; I would have to say I have heard many lies. most involve cover ups that someone thinks that they have covered all angles but simply they were lacking in the guilt area to cover the tracks as the professional loser that they hoped they were but you (I) just didnt let them have all the information that you hold against the lie they displayed right in your face.
    I would have to say the biggest cheat is the huggy, the rubby, oh lets watch a movie and lay on each other (were friends) all that is cheating it is intamacy on the lower level but reaces the intellectual level just like having sex! so if you think that anything is not cheating on here your a fool! “love in lies is a person who dies alone”.
    oh and you dont have to be “inlove” to hurt the other person just the fact that you did it leaves the other with a lifetime of no trust….that is the result and that is why your mind, words and any touching should make anyone feel absolute guilt and shame. we all have crossed morals in one way or another but when you know its time to grow up and you really do care for another person, do not do anything that you would not want the other to do to you!common sense and the cold truth the whole damn world is full of b.s. and that is the damn truth of it, ask your partner if they ever cheated you will always get the answer I never had sex with anyone but you. sad thing is that wasnt what you were asking, now was it?

    yes it made me think to read this.. because I knew what cheating was and it makes me sick that most are so damn ignorant that they think little of themselves and their relationships to hurt someone. “I can say I am guilt friken free” I could never ever do that to someone I know I love, but I can tell you that if they would remove that damn myspace off the damn web and all instant chat bull crap people wouldnt pay attention to the real damn world and what the hell matters! I think egos have alot to do with cheating and the gradification of getting away with it and keeping the idiot that trusted the lie is what gets them off. sick just stupid and sick!

    Marie~

  64. Ok, this is my story. I met this girl online about 2 years ago. We immediately “clicked” with one another and became very close. About 8 months ago, we started dating and at first things were great. However, shortly after we started dating (about 1 month) we went out to a club with her friend and her friends bf. We were drinking heavily that night(tequlia is a killer) and all of a sudden out of nowhere, my gf and her friend start to make out right in front of me andher friends bf. Now, I will admit at first I was like “omg this is awesome” as most men would. However, they kept passionately make out (french kissing and caressing each others face)for about 20 minutes. At this point, I started to get worried and found it quite disturbing. I lef thte table and went to have a cigarette and when I came back, they were both gone to the bathroom. I later found out that her and her friend went into the bathroom stall and gave oral sex to each other. The next day i asked my gf if she remebered what she dont and she said no. I told her and she was devistated that sh cheated on me right in front of my face and then behind my back in the bathroom. I understand that yes, she was drunk and I forgave her and still continued to date her. I know she feels horrible for it, due to the fact that she stopped talking and hanging out with her friend all together because she knew I was uncomfortable with it. Even now, 8 months later, I have a hard time trusting my gf. That one nite just keeps replaying in my mind over and over again, and I keep thinking to myself “even tho she was drunk beyond all control, she still cheated on me in front of me and behind my back, so makes me think she wont do it while she is sober?” This has caused alot of problems for her and I as now, I get jelous when another guy looks at her, b/c I keep replaying that one nite at the bar over and over again. I should get over it and let it go, but she told me that she hates cheaters and would never do it b/c she has been cheated on by her ex (who happens to be the father of her 2 girls). I dont know what to do anymore, I feel like everytime she goes out with her friends, that she could be cheating. We have talked about it over and over again and I always say that I forgot about it, but deep down it still is and always will be playing in my mind. Now it seems that whenever we fight, I always throw it in her face or by telling her “tell ur other bf I say hello” What should I do? I’m so confused and i feel so worthless anbd hollow inside.

  65. I am 19 and have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, there has been rumours of him cheating on me since 6 months into the relationship, and i found out he rang another girl behind my back a few months ago, i thought i would never forgive him but he said he just wanted to speak to another girl to see if he could still pull if we ever split up because he said i pushed him away all the time and i never show affection, i believed him as i was not affectionate and i know nothing happened between them, however he is a compulsive liar and he told me some big lies when we first met, ionly found out the truth about these issues 1 year down the line, he has lied so much in the past and in the last year i have been really suspicious that he has cheated on me and because he is so good at hiding things i would not know! I cannot trust him as far as i could trow him but i love him so much i feel my life would be nothing without him! What shall i do?

  66. In my opinion all “topics” except 13 constitutes cheating. I include 8 too because its deceiving and misleading, thus its a betrayal of the partners feelings, whether its paranoid or not.

    To the written posts by Karen (Heartbroken), i really appreciate what you’ve said. Its honest, intelligent, hopeful and inspiring. I am a man that completely agrees with you.

    My story is: I loved a girl who was selfish and stubborn without education or much life experience. I had to promote her life and make it work for her – since it wasn’t working – hoping she’d understand the concept of self motivation and take control.

    After 18mths, she never did learn, i was the only person working in the relationship and i was becoming angry at her. I began working away during the weeks while she went out partying every weekend.

    It became clear she was changing and it didn’t include me, i felt something wasn’t right. there was a disconnecting undercurrent growing over a period of two months.

    i broke up with her and felt she’d cheated on me. 1 week after breaking up, her friend told me she was fucking this guy in her group, he knew me. i tried to get more evidence but couldn’t nail it down. i had to believe her denial. then 2 months later, i was drinking at a pub with a friend and the barmaid realised who i was and told me flat out she was “his” friend and that he’d admitted he’d be rooting her for weeks before we broke up, in our bed, she’d go to his house and fuck so loud his parents family would hear it.

    i went to her house to confront her and she still denied it. there’s just no way i believed her this time. the most painful feeling is the complete betrayal, the disgusting disloyalty, and the seeds of paranoid trust. the next most painful feeling was not getting her admission. it really bloody hurts when someone I love, whose supposed to love metoo, stabs a knife through my heart. Its just cruel!

  67. 16 happened to me about 6 months ago. My hubby of 5 years 2 kids under 4 started talking to this girl on the internet for a few months. A few weeks b4 they secretly met up I told him I noticed he wasnt very affectionate towards me and he told me he wasnt happy. We went out for lunch and decided to try get thru it. He told me he was starting to fancy other women although he still found me attractive. He was talking to her at this time about being so unhappy with me.
    A few weeks later they went out. Me and our 2 girls took him to the pub thinkin he was meeting his friend. The next morning he told me he had been out with her and that he fancied her and wanted sex with her went back to her house but nothing happened. We split up for a week. He told me he just saw her the once and he didnt really fancy her or want her it was just an excuse as he was so unhappy with me.
    The following week he asked to get back together I love him so I said yes. 3 months down the line what he was saying about everything just didnt seem right so I emailed her. She told me he tried to kiss her, said we’d split up a few times and blatently wanted her but nothing happened. He confirmed this and that he saw her 3 times and even asked her if down the line they could be together then the morning after he suddenly realised it was me he wanted.
    Ive taken him back as I love him and cant imagine not being with him. Im not aloud to talk about ne of it ne more as he has a go at me and says its been 6 months. He’s also got an issue wiv porn where before it didnt bother me so much but now it makes me feel paranoid and useless especially as I have a very high sex drive. Ive told him how I feel infact just now and he said he doesnt want to talk about it, had a go at me and just didnt bother saying he loved me (on the phone). Im just so so confused.

  68. I’m not sure which number happened to me. I discovered this week that my husband “loves” a woman he works with. I found a text from her with the words “I love you too” and “Big squeeze”. He had deleted his texts to her. I only went looking because I suspected their relationship, which I have long felt was potentially harmful to us, had moved into a realm which I feel is cheating. He had always denied there was anything for me to worry about, and that even were this woman having feelings and ideas about him which were more than friendship they were not reciprocated. This is changed now. He admits it changed a couple of months ago, and he admits he deleted texts because he knew they would hurt me. He denies having sex or wanting sex with the woman. I understand that many people hold the belief that you can love more than one person at a time and there are different kinds of love. I feel as though i should accept the situation, accept that they share an intimate loving relationship. My husband is desperate for our marriage to continue and is very sorry about the deception, however he doesn’t think he has been “having an affair” and so he can’t reallly see why i should feel so hurt about the love bit. But I am devastated and feel as though it doesn’t matter that they have not had sex. If I had not discovered the texts they would have carried on.

  69. What do you do if your gf is guilty of all this and you put up with it and she back fires it all on you, and if you break up with her you think you will lose all hope for future relationships, she is 16-17 and i am 16 and the fights arent verbal she hits me sometimes, what do i do?

  70. I think that at the end of the day, ‘cheating’ is just a word in society that has been placed there to control someone else’s behaviour. Yes I agree that a couple should remain true to one another, but a little flirting (just verbal and subtle) does no harm. In fact, there have been situations where a little harmless flirting has helped make a relationship stronger.

    In my eyes, it all depends on the couple, after all, there are such relationships as ‘open relationships’ and also ‘swinging’.

    Can you really define the word ‘cheat’ or ‘cheating’?

    And for you Tyler, I’m a 17 year old girl, if I was you, the first thing I would do is try to have a serious yet calm conversation with your gf about your situation and try and come to a compromise. Sure there may be arguments, but if you can continue to treat the discussion maturely, it is possible to resolve. If her behaviour is immature and she refuses to change, then perhaps you seriously need to consider if she is worth your time. My bf and I have gone through some pretty rough times, but we’ve talked things out and we’ve resolved them calmly and maturely, and we’re both 17, so it’s possible. I hope that maybe my opinion has offered some help, good luck!

  71. I found a stray docket today – it was for the amount of $740 and the company on the docket had a quite a dubious name. I knew it would HAVE to be an establishment for ill repute… I confronted my husband and he said it was probably a mate of his from work pulling a dirty trick on him. Needless to say my curiosity got the better of me so I checked his bank statements. There was THE DATE, TIME AND EXACT AMOUNT glaring at me – I felt totally sick. My husband works away in a WA town of Kalgoorlie where prostitutes are common – either in bars or brothels. I rang him straight away and he was pretty quiet for awhile – didnt jump on the defensive. He actually then admitted that yes, he had seen a prostitute. He hates working away from home, felt a bit depressed and upset with our marriage. He told me that he had sex with her, and then spent over one and a half hours talking to her about our marriage. Discussing intimate details. He said it helped him get through some of the shit that was happening in our relationship. I was surprisingly calm and we managed to talk about it quite freely and openly – yes, there were tears on my behalf, but we managed to talk it thru and worked on how we can enrich our sex life. As I said, he works away and I admittedly have been neglecting him lately on the sexual front. He has a history of cheating; but THIS time he chose a pro not a random girl in a bar .. which I guess Iam thankful for. He provides well for us,he pays all of the bills and is quite a good bloke – well liked by many. Iam still a little bit in shock, but at least I know now what I can do to make our sex life a little more exciting …
    Things can only get better from now on !

  72. i have a girlfriend of two years. we say i love you to each other.shes a great chic.
    ive known another woman for almost 6 years. and always had a crush on her. this other woman is smarter, sexier, and more attentive to my spirtual, philosphical, and magnetic sides, and seems to know me better than the current girlfriend im with.
    i find myself enamored with her. my girlfriend just doesnt compare anymore and i havent even kissed or been in any way physical with the other woman. i know deep down that i love the other woman. but cant bring myself to tell my girlfriend i want to end it. now when i say i love you to my girlfriend i doubt my own sincerity knowing that i think of the other woman all day long. the other woman did not seduce me or have any ill intentions. and just recently found out i have a girlfriend. she says now she has a bad taste in her mouth because i kept the fact i wasnt single away from her. now i am stuck knowing that i dont love my girlfriend and frustrated that i pissed off my new love. i broke the trust. in short, i suppose cheating on my girlfriend was withholding her identity from someone who was interested in me. although, nothing has come of it. is it wrong for people to bend the rules in order to look out for better people they may end up with?
    do i really have to sacrifice all options in life because im complacent with a girlfriend? im not married and feel like i should have that freedom. the hard part is convincing the other woman that i only did it to study if what we had was real. if i told her i had a girlfriend… i wouldnt have got the real reaction to who i am. and who i am is not defined by my girlfriend.
    does anyone feel me on this one?

  73. It’s amazing how many men that I know don’t view violations of emotional trust as cheating. My current boyfriend pulled a number 16 on me, as well as a few countless others on that list with a co-worker – at a place we ALL worked at. To make matters worse, all of my other co-workers knew. Needless to say, my rage knew no bounds, yet my boyfriend could not see what he had done wrong but was willing to accept responsibility and admit that he had done some form of wrong. I’m still with him, but I wonder-Is his acceptance of wrong enough? I find that in most cases that if people don’t know what exactly it was that they did wrong it’s extremely difficult for them not to repeat the action again. Not to mention the fact that the way he’s picked up the habit of how he started cheating on me the first time (via cellphone) again. Should I not be one to worry?

  74. In my eyes they are all ways to cheat – I caught my boyfriend looking at porn online recently, we had been together a year and I made it perfectly clear to him at the start that I count it as cheating as he is fancying another woman, so I left him, the fact that he lied about it a million times before I found out didnt help, always saying Id never need to look at another woman, I promise (Liar) I just could not trust him anymore no matter how much I wanted to. Looking at other women sexually is cheating IMO. Going to go cry now :p xx

  75. when you are feeling attracted or thinking of someone other than your b/f or souse is this considered cheating? I am in love with a wonderful man, and we both love each other, but then I met his best friend. I caught myself thinking about his b/f and feeling attracted. God, I will never do such a thing. I have been cheated emotionally by my ex, and I would never do that do anybody/ have never done it in the past. I try to get this thought out my mind and forget about it. I feel extremely guilty. His bestfriend doesn’t know either. It’s just insided my mind, but I feel bad and guilty. What can I do to get rid of it? How can I help myself? I love him so much and care about him so much that it hurts my mind is thinking like that.

  76. I loved my boyfriend for 12 years. Then he died suddenly. Women started coming out of the woodwork to claim that they will remember their special moment that they spent together. I am angry and hurt that to the very end he was looking for that better deal. He didn’t value me. How do i grieve? I go back ad forth missing him then hurt with him.

  77. I find out today by opening a letter in error that my husband has been calling phone sex lines. The letter was a final demand for payment which it turned out he had paid by postal order, obviously so I wouldnt find out. He told me it happened twice and I feel ABSOLUTELY gutted by this. I feel sick that he has had chatted sexually to somebody over the phone which he admitted turned him on, but he didnt feel guilty about it as he then did it again! He treated me appalling when I found out, panicked really cause I knew, just kept saying no i wont speak to you and drove off. Leaving me thinking all sorts from this letter that he had been with a prostitute or something. When he came home from work he didnt mention it until i did and just said everything you have said is right and i apologise and that is that, so blase and uncaring. I asked to know all the details but he wont say, thinks the apology is all the it takes. After 20 years I feel gutted – would you consider this infidelity?

  78. I think it’s perfectly okay for someone to appreciate their surroundings. Appreciating beauty and feeling attracted is HUMAN. Or else we wouldn’t have boyfriends or girlfriends. It’s also a healthy habit. If you think you’re not doing it, then you’re the biggest hypocrite ever and you’re probably suffocating your partner right now. We’re all human. Stop asking for superhuman.

    In the end, just never leave the one you love for someone you like because that person will probably leave you for a person he/she loves.

  79. I think that cheating is anything that your partner considers to be ‘unfaithful’, but especially when you lie about it and do it behind their back. I think that to physically be intimate with or to become emotionally involved with another is unforgivable, no matter what, but as for other things like porn, friendships with the opposite sex,meeting up with others in secret, phone sex etc etc, really depends on what you discuss with your partner and if there are any rules or agreements you make together.It also depends on your own intentions and the way your partner will know this, is how open and upfront you are with the situation. I think that if you lie and try and hide anything, then you know that you may be doing something wrong, and in which case, proberly shouldn’t be with that person in the first place. Once trust has broken, there is no way back. However insignificant you may consider your ‘betrayal’ to be. If you are no longer satisfied with your partner, work things out with them by communicating and if that does not work, then break up. It isn’t easy, but the world of infidelity and dishonesty creates a whole other world of difficulty for all parties involved and is never worth it in the end.Always treat others how you wish to be treated and if you do not then do not be surprised when something as bad or worse comes back at you!!!

  80. I agree with all of these points
    I know that if my boyfriend did any of these I would be incredibly upset.
    I can definitely see why many people disagree, but I am sure that I would count no. 13 as cheating. It’s one terrible thing to have sex with a randomer for the heck of it without thinking, but it’s a completely different matter when they are really aware of what they are doing. This means that, for me, thinking about someone else whilst having sex is horrible.
    The crucial part of no. 8 is the ‘partner not knowing’. Going behind your partners back spells trouble and I think that the fact that you hid meeting up secretly would raise suspicion and would also make you seem as though you had a guilty conscience.

    But really, these points are incredibly personal, it depends on each persons point of view, everyone is going to feel different emotions towards different actions and I think the best thing to do in a relationship is discuss what you feel is out-of-bounds for you and your other half, and then appreciate those opinions!

  81. Hi everyone here is my situation….I met this person who was married and we started hanging out..after about 2 years we took things to the next level for which I have always felt guilty as I became good friends with the couple..we went out for 3 years and she ended up in a divorce for other reasons…we ended our relationship at this point as we know that things are not going to work out beacuse we belonged to different cultures…its been 2 yrs since her divorce…we started going out 3 months after I ended our relationship and then she moved to another state..I continued to keep in touch..as we were talking one she she confessed that she slept with my best friend and since that point in time I have lost trust in her..I think its Karma but now she wants to get married and I don’t know what to do…any advice would be appreciated…

  82. My husband and two mates hired to strippers to come to their motel room when they were away at an indy car race. I found out a year later when I found a video of the incident. The strippers lay fully naked on top of my husband, they had dildo’s etc. A lot of the action was off tape as the guys tried to stay out of view of the camera. He has cheated on me but says he did nothing wrong. He is only sorry that it hurt me once I found out. I don’t think I can stay with him. We have three children. I just can’t trust him ever again.

  83. Why is cheating bad? Because cheating is about lying to the person who devoted their life to you, endangering their health, disrespecting them, dismissing them, ignoring their feelings, etc.

    ALthough both genders cheat, men do it more because most cultures teach men that it is OK to disrespect women and be self centered. This is part of ‘sexism.’ Women, on the other hand, are taught to ignore their needs and put their man first.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *